My Smile Is A Rifle

2008-11-17T10:58:00.001+08:00

2008-11-14T15:27:00.002+08:00

I have just been so woteva lately!

I have been meaning to blog..it's not that I have nothing to say,mind you..just simply too lazy to sit down and type out my feelings into words.

The only reason why I chose to come in here right now is coz Clif and I have an appointment at 4.30pm..it's close to 3.30pm and my dear cuz is not back home yet..no surprise there.So I'm ready and bored.and alone at home.

and it's raining.

and i'm hungry.

and i miss london.

and i especially miss someone.

ok i'm done whining.

Clif is back soooooo..thank u for reading this load of bull!

Adios!

ps: I willllllll be back

2008-11-08T05:35:00.002+08:00

It's sorta weird when I look back at my last post.I thought I was gonna be busy re-doing my blog skin and all other sort of web related clean ups I had been avoiding for waaay too long.On that very day,that is,on 11/10/08..not long after my entry..We recieved news from London that my dearly beloved aunt had passed away.Mum was the one who recieved the call from my cousin and it was she who started breaking down.The rest of us were just numb with shock.Though she was in London,she never failed to call us weekly...Yes she was sickly but she went through life bravely and even travelled until she really was too sick to do so.In fact the last I spoke to her was on my birthday where we had a teasing session about me tying the knot soon.She said,not for the first time,but for the last time..that she wanted to see me in London married before she died..as usual I made a joke out of it and she laughed but she was serious about it.How was I to know..she'd leave us all like this?

She was the eldest in our family and though she was so far away,she was always up to date with whatever was happening within our family network.

Suffice to say my mum said that she was going for the funeral.It was a toss up between Clifton and myself as to who would go with her.That was the first plan on Saturday itself.

By Monday..it was decided that ALL of us would go.

Eleven of us.Brother,sisters,cousin,nieces,nephew,in-laws.

So on the 15th of October we all set off for London.

It was tough not get excited since for Glash,Clifton and myself it was our first time travelling to London..on a 17hr flight journey no less..and furthermore the first time that Clif and I would see the rest of our cousins,Galton and Joyce who had not been to Singapore yet..however each time we smiled,we sighed..thinking how nice it would be if she was alive to greet us ..all those times she kept calling us to go over..and when we finally decided to go next year during the June holidays..she decided to leave us.

The journey to London was filled with hiccups from the very start..from home to Changi Airport to Doha to finally Heathrow..where we had a mini spat with one of the staff there..and lemme tell u I never though I'd get out of that bloody airport..the way things were going...yeah yeah British security is very tight these days but we had been travelling for nearly 17-18 hours and we were sooo tired and sad the more we thought about the fact that we are heading to see the body of our beloved ..and here this people were just testing our patience!It was with much difficulty that we controlled our tempers.

The short stay at London..was the best few days of my entire life.

Within the first hour itself,Glash and I were like..."Why aren't we living in this place???!!!"

It was a very emotional scene at 4 Essex Road.

The house that I had seen several times in all the photos my aunt sent from those years..

and the fact that now she was not in it,but in a funeral parlour.cold and lifeless in a strange place with strangers.Even then I did not cry.

After kissing and hugging the familiar faces,and being introduced to the truck load of nieces and nephews,we rushed off to the funeral parlour..and that's where I lost whatever restrain I had.The moment I saw her..everything just came back to me..the way I used to brush her long silky black hair when she came down to Singapore in the late 80s...the loving way she gazed at my late grandma,the cute arguments between her & her hubby,my dearest late Uncle..and most of all..her smile.We cried.All of us broke down silently within ourselves as we stood in a circle around her.It all just seemed so surreal.

After that the rest of the days went by in a blur..I loved the place and I loved my cousins,their spouses and the kids..I have 10 nieces and nephews!Obviously we could not go sightseeing as we were there for a funeral..we did manage to squeeze in some car trips though as our cousins brought us along on the errand runs.

I could go on about the days I spent there..but I have no time now and besides I don't want to exhaust all of those beautiful memories so fast..so I shall talk about them here and there,on and off..now we are all even more in touch than usual..so it's all good.

I don't even know why I started on this post when all I wanted to do was choose a new blogskin..I guess the date of my last entry 11/10 triggered it off.

2008-10-11T03:22:00.002+08:00

Will be back real soon..promise

In the meantime ,revamping this stale page

cheers

2008-09-14T18:16:00.001+08:00

2008-09-14T17:39:00.004+08:00

So they say time heals all wounds.
How many times have you heard that & honestly felt like slapping the next person to tell you that?
I have been through hard times..I won't say that my troubles are of the serious kind..not in that way,but to me,they were enough to plunge me into a world of darkness.
In a way..I still remember certain painful moments as I sit peacefully now..
It's true the mind never forgets..
We subconsciously will ourselves to forgive & FORGET THE PAIN..not the incident.
The pain that one inflicts upon your body can never be recalled in perfect detail no matter how hard you try but the pain that's inflicted verbally..as those words flash through your mind's eye,the impact is intense enough to make one cry..even after a very,very long time.
I figure that many of us are like that..we bury the pain by immersing ourselves in work & family activities..while the pain is actually still there..deep in your heart,like a raw wound that dries but never completely heals.
I have been very busy of late.
Keeping myself occupied with the work,interacting with friends both in cyberspace & in reality,passionate about my music.Yet I have never been able to forget certain people & issues which happened over the past few months.
Oh yeah..I don't talk about these things or ever show my confusion but truth is..each time I smile or laugh there is a slight tinge of bitterness.
I feel it..but there's nothing I can do about it.
I go out by myself alot these days.
Just with my mp3 player & sling bag for my wallet,hp & camera.
Sometimes I take long bus rides.
When it's rainy weather,I take long walks.
At times,I just sit by the sea for hours..thinking about nothing in particular.
Just my own sort of meditation.
Sometimes..I cry.
Silently I cry...as the songs play in my ears..as my eyes follow the crashing waves.
I don't feel like talking to anyone.
It's like the sea understands the ache & turmoil I'm hiding within myself.
I come home silently in the night & life goes on.
Am I a happy person or a sad person?
I don't know.
I have no wish to talk about my feelings because I have realised a long time ago,that it's useless..the more I say they more they get bored(though they don't show it)
It all just adds up to unnecessary tension & the wrong kinda attention so..I'm better off this way.Thinking and crying and just being myself as and when I feel like it.
It's not too bad..the crying bit.
Just don't want it to become permanent in my life.

2008-08-25T21:47:00.002+08:00

wow..

finally got the time to pop in here..

been super busy..

honestly 24hrs in a day is really not enough!

so much has been happening

been wanting to blog like forever but somehow my fatigue just got the better of me

work is fine for now,still searching for THE elusive right job for my future though

at the same time,seriously considering going back to finish my diploma

not that I feel insecure,but no harm being better equipped

a dip is a very normal pre-requisite one finds in job offers these days..

even if the job itself is on a very basic level..

so why should I miss out..when I know I have so much more to offer than those who have papers but zero interest,zero experience?

still pondering though..don't wanna make the same mistake I did years ago as a teen

ohhh..by the way..

bought a new camera last week..FINALLY!

been wanting to yak about it for ages but well..that's how occupied I've been..

I don't even have a pic of it to put up now..

That particular day I had a nasty argument with one of my closest friends

I had planned several things for that particular day but thanks to this one trivial argument,i completely lost my mood to be happy.

Thank God Sanjit was free that day..if not for him,I'd prolly have spent the day moping around instead of shopping for my long desired camera..

Bullied him alot too that day hahahahaa..couldn't help it..the situations surrounding us were just too good to resist!

The normally gentlemanly Sanjit eventually gave me a nice sharp punch on my arm..light but SHARP..enough to make me squeal momentarily..

hmmm.

SQUEAAAAAL SANJIT.

SQUUUEAAAALLLL.

hope that rings a bell to you if you're reading this!

I really really really want to be happy but at the end of each day..

No matter how tired I am

There are things that I still can't forget

This pain is now numb but it's there

Like a bad pimple scar.

The tears do run even now and then..but I'm in control.

Well..

too tired to talk much about happy stuff in here now..

had a busy Monday..

I still miss the way things used to be..and I'm glad everyone..EVERYONE is happier now but for me..things will never be the same again..

Yes I will move on..but it's been months and I still haven't quite gotten there yet.

What I can't say I keep trapped in my heart.

I laugh and do the silliest things to keep the tears away..

Yet..

sometimes the smallest push is enough to open the water gates.

I don't even feel like talking about what I feel anymore..

So..yeah.

Au Revoir

2008-08-19T10:43:00.004+08:00

There are many faces to this guy..

MANY that the general innocent masses do not know of
Hahaha and these are a few of the shots

I managed to sneak in while he was blissfully unaware..
Sanjiiittt ur sooooooo cute!!
*bash!bash!bash!*

2008-08-15T23:49:00.007+08:00

Patricia,

Your reputation is on the line,
and you can't afford to make any major mistakes right now.
A new job title comes with much more responsibility.
You must be willing to take them on before accepting the new position.
Let your achievements speak for themselves this afternoon

So anybody miss me yet?
hmmph
hahahah highly unlikely but anyways..
Finally had time to sit down and bombard you people with my nonsense
As some of you know..I'm currently working at non other than...
SINDA.
yes.
SINDA.
Never thought I'd actually end up working there..
No no..NOTHING against SINDA..
Just that I never thought I'd work there
I'm not like permanent there or anything..
Just for now..coz my cousin was working there while on his NUS vacation and the person in charge asked him if I was interested in temping for a while since I'm on a job hunt and all..well..I didn't hear anything negative from Clif so I said ok fine..and I must say..it's a whole new experience.
I had once worked in an all Indian office..and even though I'm Indian too..I felt a little weird..having always been in a mixed kinda environment prior to that..soon I just hated the way they treated and manipulated me just because I was the youngest,newest & most gullible.urgh.
Hated the work ethics.
So I shunned this kinda places..thinking that sometimes it's more difficult to work with one of your own kind.
I had that kinda negative thought before I set foot in SINDA..like what if they all spoke in Tamil and mocked me for speaking in English?blah blah..that kinda feeling..but I had nothing to worry about.
Everyone minded their own business and went about their work silently.
Another shock was to realise that SINDA..THE building itself..didn't have an elevator.So for the first 2 days..I ploughed my way through the never ending exit out of Farrer Pk Station..dragged my heeled crying feet,huffing and puffing in the relentlessly burning..i repeat BURNING not shining..sunshine..trying my best not to break out into a sweat..trying to remain cool and nonchalant as i walk through the little lane in the middle of TWO coffeeshops..then walk the final path to the hallowed building..and walk riiiiight to the end of the corridor to punch my card..then POUND MY ALREADY SORE FEET..4 freaking stories up to the Finance dept.Where everyone looks calm and poised and I end up barging in like a panting rhino.It doesn't help that my hair is a bit wild now.No hair serum,clip or scrunchie will tame my flyaway strands.

Wow..see how much I can write just describing the walk to SINDA?I have yet to even start on the inside stories!!
Argghh I'm tired..as in..the work is fine..because I have done this kinda stuff before..but it's hard to explain to my mum how much the little journey actually drains me..the sun oh man..and each time I walk I guess I am like cursing and swearing in my mind..which is really bad..
I'm too sleepy and my head has been hurting on and off for the past one week..Sanjit isn't in town so I have no one to talk out my mental issues to..hehehehe...he calls me a bully but he is a SILENT bully..the worst kind ever..like I have to contemplate if I had been bullied or insulted and then once he gets his punch line in,I'm just about ready to strangle him!!hahaha..my precious,precious friends..I miss u all..so much.Never felt so out of time..yet so relaxed at the same time..argggh the past 3 days of brutal direct sunlight has really punished my already sensitive skin ..I feel soooooooooo used up..like a torn no no shredded ball of tissue paper..
THAT will be something I will have to brace myself for every morning from now I guess..as long as I'm working here..but that's another story..well guys I wanted to say so much more..but I guess this is my limit for tonight..will continue with part 2 tomorrow..

oh my head..my aching aching head...

2008-08-12T19:16:00.003+08:00

Could not get my mind off this beautiful song the whole of today
Which's pretty strange coz it's a song which I hardly pay much attention to usually
It must be the weather today..
So chaotic & beautiful at the same time
That made me long for some soothing from my favourite guys..

2008-08-11T21:47:00.004+08:00

Ok..y'know that veryyyy common question that everyone likes to randomly ask at one point or another...about what super power you would like to possess if given the chance?

Since young I have always wished to have the power of invisibility

Why?

I'm ashamed to say that at that time,it was more for reasons of mischief than anything else.

As I grew older though,I wished for that particular power so as to escape from the watching eyes of the world & explore places far and beyond at my whim and fancy.

Suffice to say I was very much taken with the Invisibility Cloak presented to Harry

in the Harry Potter series of books..I'd always try to visualize how it would look like,and how sometimes he'd share it with Ron & Hermione..and of course..I was glued to Heroes when the first season started running last year around February on StarWorld..

Superpowers and heroes and villains...

Good VS Bad

How exciting isn't it?

Then again..this is the stuff movies & comics are made of..and only that..right?

Wrong.

While waiting for Mary's call,came across this interesting nugget of news on Yahoo..

Thought this is what I had been wishing for all the while,but strangely

the first thought to come to mind was.."Uh oh"

Read on..

"WASHINGTON -
Scientists say they are a step closer to developing materials that could render people and objects invisible.
Researchers have demonstrated for the first time they were able to cloak three-dimensional objects using artificially engineered materials that redirect light around the objects. Previously, they only have been able to cloak very thin two-dimensional objects.
The findings, by scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, led by Xiang Zhang, are to be released later this week in the journals Nature and Science.
The new work moves scientists a step closer to hiding people and objects from visible light, which could have broad applications, including military ones.
People can see objects because they scatter the light that strikes them, reflecting some of it back to the eye. Cloaking uses materials, known as metamaterials, to deflect radar, light or other waves around an object, like water flowing around a smooth rock in a stream.
Metamaterials are mixtures of metal and circuit board materials such as ceramic, Teflon or fiber composite. They are designed to bend visible light in a way that ordinary materials don't. Scientists are trying to use them to bend light around objects so they don't create reflections or shadows.
It differs from stealth technology, which does not make an aircraft invisible but reduces the cross-section available to radar, making it hard to track.
The research was funded in part by the U.S. Army Research Office and the National Science Foundation's Nano-Scale Science and Engineering Center."

When I read this..I wanted to say "wow"!

Then when I really finished reading the whole thing..

I could only thing of negative stuff

Sometimes I think Man interferes too much

I doubt we NEED such an invention

Imagine the chaos & destruction it could bring when in the wrong hands!

Now by making this so public,

I bet this much of info itself would be useful to some fanatic creep with an intelligent mind

SO FREAKING STUPID LA!!

No good is gonna come out of such an invention

Nothing but more wars,bloodshed & misery

No heroes either.

As it is,I only know of dear darling who'd wanna save the world but besides him..zilch.

Sorry to sound so pessimistic but really..

I hope this thing never works.

Even if it does,I hope the bigheads don't keep boasting about it

*fingers crossed*

2008-08-11T21:06:00.002+08:00

Patricia,

Your mind is in full flight,

but your body won't move an inch until

you so command it.

Lending your money to others today

may result in serious financial losses.

Hold on tight to your wallet over

the next few days.

Look for your financial situation

to improve next week.

OMFG!

Now that's sound advice and every word of it is freaking true!

Right up to the very last word!

Cool.

Finally spoke to Latsy after so damn bloodly long last night

It has been months since we spoke!

I really missed her voice

(even though she squeals at me most of the time)

hahaha

Had a chance to catch up with Glash too

since school's out today

So overall,spent hours yakking and finally went to bed around 3am last night

Today spent most of the day yakking on the phone too and now it's almost 9.15pm and I have a last minute meet up arrangement with dear Mary...sooooo freaking long since we sat down and had a good chat..she'll be hotfooting it down to Yishun after finishing tuition @ Bt Panjang & I'm just about to get ready to wait for her at the bus stop..poor gal..she sounded so damn stressed 7 overworked over the phone..oh well..more stuff to update..be back laterz

2008-08-10T21:25:00.002+08:00

Patricia,

Hold onto what you have at this very moment

because you won't be getting any more of it for a while.

Talk to your colleagues about problems that are getting out of hand.

The longer you wait, the worse the situation will become.

Now is the time to take action.

Well at least that's what's my horoscope predicted

I dunno what it was that I was supposed to hold on to though

Whatever's worth holding on to has already slipped thru my fingers

Haha..

So maybe I'm supposed to hold on to the rest of my tattered sanity

Hmmm

Well enough about that shit..anyways it was National Day yesterday..

As usual I was bustling around at home because National Day also happens to be the birthday of my dear Aunt aka Clif's mum..so the entire tribe would gather at my place to catch the parade and celebrate her birthday..

I must say it was one of my busier National Days though..coz this time I was involved in the cleaning,cooking process..I caught the beginning part of the NDP running to and fro with a spatula in my hand..

So yeah everything went on fine..we had some unexpected lil guests hehehe..and too bad Glash & family had to go back home so soon,but we're planning to catch up another day..perhaps during the September hols..BEFORE my birthday..

WHICH REMINDS ME

I'm turning 28

Soooooooooon.

Verrrrrrrrrrryyyyy sooooooooon.

2008-08-08T21:57:00.002+08:00

So it's the 8th of August 2008.

08/08/08

whoopahdeeladooooodaaa

BIG DEAL.

im more like waiting for 09/09/09.

For many reasons.

Haha they all seem lame now so no point pursuing them

Anyways been super busy the entire freaking day

My day started at 6.30am and it's like..uhmm 10pm now & I just settled down ..

I sent an sms wishing my ex-boss,

favourite handsome loh soh ah-pek ever..Andrew,

an early morning birthday message..

well,he was happy to hear from me,

happier that I remembered his birthday..

well considering that I worked with him for more than 4 years..

and his birthday being on the eve of National day n all..

pretty hard to forget innit?

LoL..anyways seriously..

he was an inspiration to me..

and not just a boss but a buddy.

Well we have friends like that..

and then we have some other low lives...

who parade around as buddies when you need them least..

but tuck their tails between their hind legs & scramble for cover

when one needs them most.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Ahhh.what the fudge la lets not discuss rats.

I'm so glad I'm more active in DeviantArt now...

I have met loads of awesome buddies from the world over..

and you know what..

THEY ARE ALL GALS...

here I was whining away to whosoever tolerated me that I NEED more female friends..

and bingo!

I now have friends who actually

share my same love for ALL things RHCP

and to think I'm actually one of the older ones in the group!!

I'm impressed at how much these younger girls actually know about rock music..

ask any teenager in Singapore today..

and you'd get something straight outta MTV..

Ok something else that I wanna share with you guys..

I dunno how real it is..but I heard it from a very reliable source..

my long time friend Maya.

Those of you staying in Yishun would be familiar with the 600+ area..

for those of you who aren't it's basically the block of flats adjacently

opposite Khatib mrt station..

Well my friend stays at Blk 800 which is directly opposite

and for some reason while she was doing my waxing,

we started talking about the area..

That's when she paused what she was doing and told me

about a strange apparition seen by the residents in that area..

Apparently they saw,a lady,

dressed in a white dress,armless,legless &

apparently jumping FLOOR to FLOOR..then BLOCK to BLOCK!

Can you just imagine that scene for a second or so?

It's been sighted a few times already..

*shivers*

I remember that area coz I used to attend tuition classes with Clif at a house there..and even in the daytime,that area...just seemed dead.Which used to strike me as kinda weird,since the blocks of flats were so near to the main road & MRT station and all..but yeah that's the way it used to be..and I guess my cousin and I weren't far from wrong when we assumed that place was weird years ago.

Anyone else familiar with this story/area?

Well Maya and I went on to several other stories..all of which I can't share in here now..as it is I'm typing haphazardly..I'm that tired..

Arrrghh.

Tired la.

Blog again tmrw...it doesn't FEEEEEEEL like National Day.

Maybe I'd feel it tmrw.

Au Revoir

2008-08-04T20:29:00.002+08:00

By the way if you're trying to reach me via hp,

just to let you guys know that my hp is completely dead now

I didn't use it at all,I have been charging it faithfully,

but the fkg unreliable thing has died on me

Betrayed me just like everything else around me

Try to get me thru FB or msn if there's anything urgent

Ciao

2008-08-04T18:39:00.002+08:00

Riddle me this..Riddle me that..

A tad outdated,especially in the wake of Dark Knight and all

I know ..but I'm a sucker for Jim Carrey so sue me.

The riddle here is life itself.

Family life.

Why do some people seem to be surrounded by the perfect family?

Y'know..those people who seem to have

adorably grumpy great grandparents,young at heart grandparents,modern parents,chirpy loving brothers & sisters with a large extended family of never ending uncles & aunts,cousins & nephews & nieces & in-laws and their dogs and their cats and the cats kittens..and..get my drift?

I assume many of you actually have all that and more..

just maybe not that perfect right?

hahaha

I understand that not all large families actually are so perfect..then again I do know some that are and I'm extremely happy for them..but it always puzzles me..as to how..such a small family as mine..with relatives scattered halfway around the world,could face so many,many problems & confusion.

It really tears me to bits & pieces inside..far more than I'd actually care to show out to people but it does.It's bad enough not ever having seen my grandfather...I grew up without the attention of a father..which I never realised was bad till I was a bit older..not that it mattered much to me at that point..then losing my grandma right smack in the middle of my teen years..even then I didn't feel the loss till much later..being the only child..with a hardworking mum wasn't exactly what you'd call a charmed life.

I never really learnt about life..no one had the time to sit down and explain to me what was gonna happen..I learnt everything on my own..mostly only after falling from the inexperience.In that way..I was older before my time.

I never thought family was important.I didn't care.

I saw uncles & aunts fight & cousins being affected &

I thought myself lucky not to have to go through that..

I saw our small family spilt further & further apart but it wasn't my problem..

Not at that time.

All I cared about was my pocket money & my music & my friends.

Now after so many years,I realise what it's like to have a normal family.

All the people who have drifted away came back to us.

New understandings & a sense of kinship was formed.

I was thankful that though imperfect,I had a complete and loving family.

Now again history seems set to repeat itself.

Now that I'm not a selfish teen..I feel very affected.

I feel sad for my mum,who has been trying so hard to be a pillar of support to just about anyone & everyone..even though no one was there for her all these years.

I feel sad for my aunt,who as of a couple of hours ago was peacefully dozing after a tiring day at work.

I feel sad & sorry for the family that had been fighting bitterly in the yawning hours of a sunny Monday afternoon.

I don't even know what I feel for myself..yes me.

Who was up at 6am and doing household chores till 8am..then started on a complete house cleaning mission from 10am..washing,scrubbing,dusting,folding,shifting,dragging,drying,stocking,clearing...why?

All in preparation for the party this Saturday.

I was on the last rounds of changing the sheets on my bed,when the phone rang..my aunt beat me to the phone & I heard her voice getting alarmed.I just froze not saying a word..the only thing in my mind was.."Please,not a problem..I'm too tired to handle anything now..please don't let it be a problem.."

I just stood there watching my aunt silently hold on to the phone,her face changing from puzzlement to comprehension then slowly to sadness then confusion as she hung up.

Then she just said.."I don't want a party for my birthday anymore.Forget it.People think I'm very happy but they have forgotten what my life is."

Then she went to the room & closed the door and well..she is still not out yet.

Sigh.

I wish I had answered the phone.

Then again I was/am scared when it comes to all these.

The happiness we had was so fragile & precious.

Words can make or break a person.

I barely know what I'm saying here,so please excuse me.

I was very sad..and I just went on doing my work mechanically.

Certain things I can't be saying in here for the whole wide world to know..

but I do know that we are at our wits end,trying and trying yet all we get in the end is a earful of yelling.

All I know is that..I need to get out and find a life of my own.

I can't be stuck here with all the misery..God knows I have my own pain.

Enough.

2008-08-01T09:05:00.003+08:00

The more I think about it..
The more I am convinced that I'm some sort of hippie reincarnated into the present world..or I'm simply born in the wrong age & time..
Why else do I seem to be plunging backwards into time while everyone is diving forwards?
Especially so when it comes to the greatest love of my life, music.
When at the age of 12,instead of being hooked to Michael Jackson's Dangerous album,I went backwards to his 80s hits,then to his 70s hits then all the way to the songs he sang when he was just 5?
Even those days,my elder cousins used to be amazed...yes I enjoyed the current music scene but I was so enchanted by the simple yet mind blowing emotions of the musicians in the 70s & 80s.
Fast forward to current day.
I can safely say there is not one single music genre I HATE..there is something about every single thing that appeals to me somehow..of course top of the list is always my beloved rock music..
Now as I sit here,my morning chores already complete...I find myself listening to...THE BEATLES!!
wtf.
I never was a fan,and I can still safely tell you I'm not much of a fan now..I mean c'mon!!These are bands our parents rocked out to!!Yet there's something about certain songs that warm my heart and of course the essence & free spirit of rock music was really widespread during the younger days of our parents..I doubt kids 30 years from now would actually find much inspiration from the music that's offered right now,during our time.Yeah they sound good for a couple of months then even WE get sick and tired and move on to other songs..hahaha such is the value of music & musicians these days.
All about the image..mediocre talent..does anyone really feel strongly about something that could change the world,or are they just writing songs about trying to cope & keep up with the pressure of not having enough fashionable clothes in their already bursting wardrobes blah blah?
Hahaha I wonder.
Honestly.I am thankful that I was born in 1980 and not anytime AFTER 1989..
I can see why hip hop and RnB are popular these days..coz at least there is something good & deep in most of the musicians..the current rock scene..I have absolutely nothing to say.If you can seriously consider bands like MCR,Fallout Boy and what nots as ROCK...holy shit..that is some really soft rock I tell ya.
Boy bands disguised as rockers hahaha..with their pretty boy looks & angel eyes,carefully permed/rebonded but styled to look careless hair styles..never said a swear word,never broke a girl's heart,never burped in their lives....
Oh please.
Gimme a bad ass,mean,messy haired,sweaty,heartbreaker anytime darling.
One that can REALLY play a guitar & not just dabble with gizmos.
Sigh...
I wish I was born somewhere else.
I know at least one soul who agrees with me...right Twinny?
=)

2008-08-01T04:38:00.002+08:00

So freaking bored with life and myself

Wasting my life away rotting doing meaningless stuff

I know that one day I'm gonna be regretting all the precious time I'm wasting now

It's really not easy to explain how I feel without starting to sound like some kinda whiner

I just basically feel very retarded & handicapped

It's worse actually because I know I have all my limbs and senses intact yet

I feel hindered by them somehow.

Like a clumsy Big Bird in the Swan Lake of life.

Even though I feign surprise outwardly at my rapid decomposition,I know perfectly well

when all this started,why it started and why it's not stopped.

Oh yeah I know the damn reason only too well but guess what..

I'm not at liberty to shout or wail about it.

I feel like I'm either a bitch on most days or an emotional wreck.

It's all because of HIM.

I never knew I could like & dislike a person so strongly.

It's driving me up the wall..

I'm trying dammit..I'm trying to move on with my life but I keep getting defeated and it hurts to keep in touch with someone who has so bitterly crushed you and is happily hopping along with life.

I hate myself.

I hate all of you.

Sometimes it doesn't even matter..how I wish my worthless life could be given away in exchange to some who needs it more,someone who actually is loved and cherished..

4.45am and I'm awake bright and early.

I was not in a bad mood but I do not know why or how I have started on this bitter rampage of words.

There is so much so much so much to say..but I have learnt the hard way that those around me are the last people whom I actually would want to seek comfort in.

August.

It's actually August now.

The month I had been waiting for..and now it's here.

I feel like just hiding away.

2008-07-30T16:05:00.001+08:00

I AM FEELING ABSOLUTELY

TODAY!!!!
WOOHOOOO!!!

2008-07-30T11:39:00.007+08:00

Finally I have had the time to sit down for a while to do this survey kinda thingy Jijay wanted me to do ..haha kinda random fun thingy..basically you answer the set of questions,then key in your answers individually in the search field in Flickr.Choose the image that you think best represents your answer,simply copy the URL of that image,and paste it into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to start creating a collage of your answers!

Easy & fun right?Do it when you're bored,and for those of you who are new to Flickr(dunno which rock you been under)you can take the time to admire the truly beautiful photos submitted by members..ok these are the only rules that you have to follow..

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

Here are the questions..followed by my images,see if you can guess my answers based on the images!hehehe ok anyways,my answers itself right after the mosiac...have fun!

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food? right now?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. What is your favorite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation?

8. What is your favorite dessert?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. What is one word that describes you?

12. What is your user name?

1. What is your first name?
patricia - i like this pic haha..a beer named after me!!ahh in colourful Brazil ..Brazil

2. What is your favorite food? right now?
thats tough but since you wanna know about right now..I'm craving for some honey oat cereal wait I changed my mind..it's good ol' fish and chips..and this pic is making me drool..

3. What high school did you go to?
ahmad ibrahim secondary school..and I was in the band for a couple of years before I went on to other activities..too stiff collar,and too much of high expectations..it started to feel more like boot camp...hmmph!

4. What is your favorite color?
I love black basically but purple & gold hues attract me..I don't know why this picture was just so simple & delightfully pretty hahaha..plus it has my colour combo!

5. Who is your celebrity crush?
john frusciante.I don't think I have to say more...
6. What is your favorite drink?
Water..nothing like water to quench the never ending thirst

7. What is your dream vacation?
Venice..ever since I chanced upon an elder cousin's literature text,William Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice" I dunno why I just liked the sound of it..then when I saw photos of the quaint,picturesque water city,I fell in love with it...and now most recently,when I stumbled upon a sleeper hit of RHCP,Venice Queen..which has a touching story behind it.. I KNOW I HAVE TO SEE THIS PLACE FOR MYSELF!! I diverted from the usual pretty images of the pretty city & decided to use this,because it is so freaking beautiful..the architechture,the street lamps,the darkness..truly romantic...sigh

8. What is your favorite dessert?
anything oozing with chocolate....yum yum yum .

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Rock babe!!!hahahaha

10. What do you love most in life?
Being alive.

11. What is one word that describes you?
I pondered on this for a long time.and finally came upon a simple word.deep.this is the image I got when I keyed in deep and I think it says alot.

12. What is your user name?
well usually silentdawn,but since I'm gonna post this in my blog,I shall use my name here..as darkshadowhisper.

2008-07-30T09:32:00.002+08:00

As promised..
Here I am finally to make my hallowed blog update
Haha been going to bed at reasonable hours for the past couple of days &
woke up feeling that today might not be such a drag after all..
I dunno..something in the air..seemed very..I don't quite know how to put it..
I sense a very positive vibe in the air & it seems to fill me some of my old energy
Was humming the deliciously addictive chorus to Quixtoicelixir as I took my shower
Sent a couple of bright,cheery smses to buddies..
So yeah it's a lovely morning people!

For starters,just wanna say my condolences to Ganga..
Her beloved pet dog Koko passed away yesterday & though I am not really an animal lover,I have become accustomed to Koko since secondary school days..He was like another member of the family..well I guess it's time for him to go to his rest,after all he's 15 or 16..which is pretty old in doggy years,I think?
Wherever you are dear Koko,I may have never seemed to be receptive to your sharp yapping barks,or sudden habit of resting your paws on my trembling knees,but you're gonna be missed..
rest in peace old pal.

2008-07-29T18:58:00.001+08:00

Will update soon...

2008-07-21T17:58:00.002+08:00

It's been a cold and wet day
I'm brought down once again by this nagging pain in my abdomen
It seems to happen so frequently now
I'm getting used to the pain now..
Just like how the pain in my heart..which was so unbearable at first
Now it's just an old pain..a heavy substance floating inside a bitter creature
Heart.Heart.Heart.

I'm blabbering right?
Damn.It's this pain.
It's not so unbearable yet it's an irritating sensation
An ominous presence
Like it's telling me in a deep,Barry White baritone
"Oh yeaaaaah I'm herrrre..but I ain't gonna hurt youuuuuuuu much"

hehehe.
Weird thought that one.
Goodness.
My mind has gone to the pigs!
Rotting away...dead even!

I see it's hopeless to talk seriously here now
As what I had initially planned to do
So let's see...
I'm just gonna randomly write
Without pausing
Let's see what my chain of thoughts can reveal

Here we go...

Been laying low for so long now
I don't even feel normal anymore
It's weird
This sudden desire to be away from the common flock
To mingle with the stars
To be in the other realm
In my mind's eye I'm painfully aware
Of the sneers,the taunts,the wicked looks
The way my dreams crash against cold reality
Still I linger there..adamant
That glowing place
The fine line between now & forever
All I need to do
Is walk to the edge of the world
The world that took all of my love greedily
Drained me of all will & hope
Left me with nothing but cold chills
Then leap off
Leap right off her
Goodbye cold,merciless world
I'm sorry I was ever born unto you

2008-07-17T18:49:00.001+08:00

So then my friend
How have you been
It's been some time since we really spoke
Oh yes I know we have the casual what's up kinda moments
It's been quite some time since we had a..hmm..
Heart to heart talk ,isn't it?
So I see you have been keeping yourself busy
That's very good
How about your health?
I see that you are trying to change your bad habits..
Hmm not bad at all
How's your heart been since that issue?
Oh..
So the pain hasn't even lessened a bit?
It's been so long,surely you must be imagining your anger!
No?
Then what is it?
So what you're telling me is ..
You still haven't forgotten anything & you're just very hurt that he is so normal
but you can't say anything anymore because you have promised yourself that you'll
never fall like this again?
Why couldn't you have just thrashed it out?
You did?
You still don't understand?
He didn't wanna discuss further?
So then you must really put your effort into remembering that bit & then maybe you'd forget everything
You can't?
Why can't you?
Don't be stupid
Who do you really hate now?
You hate him but you're punishing yourself
That doesn't sound very normal
What exactly do you want?
You dunno.
Ok.
So why are you crying now then?
You dunno?
Ok.
What?
Oh you miss the old times?
You of all people should know by now that it's pointless crying over spilt milk
Why torture yourself by crying tears that no one sees?
Go out,be with your friends,enjoy your time now before it's too late!
Say what?Everything reminds you of him?
Hey you really seem fine what's wrong with you!
If he can do it why can't you?
Coz you were true and he wasn't?
C'mon
Isn't it obvious?
So you think he is not true,but yet instead of screwing him up you sit there and cry because you miss everything about him?
If I continue this conversation with you,I might just kill you!!
Oh yeah..wait..that's right...
I AM YOU.

2008-07-15T12:56:00.001+08:00

Patricia,

Home, family, or real estate

are some of the interests that require a lot

of discipline and responsibility now.

Family members and partners

are especially aware of the changes

you have gone through recently.

Seeds that you plant now

will bear sweet fruit in the near future.

Plan ahead and you will come out on top.

YEAHHHH

RIGHHHT

WHATEVER!!!!!

2008-07-14T14:50:00.005+08:00

Patricia,

Watch for a tendency to be out

of touch or uncommunicative.

You may not be the easiest person to deal with today,

so try to stay out of other people's way.

Work on your own,

and keep yourself out of trouble.

Social events this evening could be

more enjoyable than you had anticipated.

Well..lets see how the day goes.So far my daily horoscopes have not been totally off mark.

Then again I do not have anything planned for this evening..

Unless you count the trip I'm planning to make to the post office

*yawn*

Maybe I'd meet a cute postman.

Had a very bad night.Tossed & turned alot.Remember vaguely having some nightmares..that woke me up suddenly..only to continue like a drama serial the moment I closed my eyes.

Horrible.

So naturally woke up feeling rather blue.

Great.

It's fixing to rain now.

I feel like such a zombie.

I need some retail therapy.

MAJORLY.

What a plastic life I lead.

In other news headlines..

Ms Venenzula took the crown in the Ms.Universe pageant.

Apparently,Latin America dominated the whole damn thing this year

I'm not really surprised..the women there are hot!

AND MS.USA FELL DOWN AGAIN!!

Again?

Remember Rachel Smith last year who slid on her ass?

This sweetie here..

Gosh she is sweet isn't she?

Well anyways..
This year Crystle Stewart,from good ol' Texas y'all..

tripped on the train of her evening gown & oopsie..

she went down

Just like last year's Smith,Stewart also regained her composure & seemed to be unaffected..

but...omg..c'mon 2 years in a row??

I think the next Ms USA is gonna have a psychological wall to break already..

You know right..sometimes you'd see a slippery floor or something..and in your mind,you'd go like.."ok slowly now,watch that step..don't fall..pls don't fall".. and that's when you slip or trip on something?I mean you don't take a great BIG fall or a tumble ..noooo..THOSE kinda things only happen when you LEAST expect them to..but this little slides & skidding..sometimes come as if invited by you.

i dunno about you guys..but that's how it is for me.

And after that little skid or trip,you sort of become more confident...like oh ok..now I know what to look out for..phew.

It's like something psychological isn't it?

hahaha.

Speaking of which..it's super dark now.

I'm having second thoughts about heading out.

My fave flip flops have been worn out steadily & I have yet to purchase a new pair..

After all this psychological talk...I know darn well what's gonna happen if I venture out.

2008-07-13T21:47:00.003+08:00

Since many of you are very bored and have
not so politely told me that I'm very good at blabbering
I shall blab.
For the sake of those entertainment deprived souls.
And also because I guess I NEED to talk.
So those of you who aren't interested shoo off.
This is for patricia remold fanatics only.

The song in my background currently is known as
"The Dying Song"
This is really,a very special song in my heart,
firstly bcoz it's the first ever solo work of John's
work that I had checked out..secondly..it changed my life
dramatically,drastically and really quite ridiculously.

If you were to flip back to my past blog entries..
I think around March-April..
Alot of things had been happening in my life
I lost alot..alot.
Things that I had come to cherish,gone forever.
People I had come to love devotedly,left me.
Friends,out of sight.
Mum,seriously ill.
Work problems.

One after the other nothing seemed to go right.
Endless were the days & nights I cried.
In fact..now when I try to recall,I can't even differentiate between the days & weeks..
It all just seems like a wet,wet season of tears in my world.
Well in an attempt to take my mind off things,wanted to listen to instrumentals & started checking out amateurish stuff on YouTube..after a few days of this...passing my days by listening soothing rock classics on the acoustic guitar..I stumbled upon this fella..in YouTube..I think his nick was bitterbanana..yeah he was playing this acoustic of Under The Bridge,which as I have said a million times by now,was the first song I ever heard by RHCP way back in 1992..well this youngish looking guy was really good.Honestly.In fact all his stuff were good..he did RnB stuff,techno stuff on his acoustic guitar too,not just rock so it was really a refreshing change..but somehow kept sticking to his version of Under The Bridge..and after a few days of this..started looking back at some of my fave RHCP songs over the years..please note..at this point I was too emo & depressed to actually be a die hard fan..i was just dying..hard.
Then I started taking note of the songs..like stuff which I had never noticed before..having alot of free time then,coz I was not talking to many of my friends,I just went backwards in time to see what they had been up to while I lost track of them..that's when I came across John Frusciante.That name.
It's funny..maybe when I was a teenager I just sorta assumed that Anthony was responsible for the whole image of the band..I just sorta related everything to Ant..y'know..maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was the most noticeably handsome one in the band..or maybe his long hair just obscured everyone else there..I dunno what it was..but it was the first time I was hearing this name.Ant I knew..Flea of course I knew..even Chad I knew to a certain extent..but Fru?And my first thought was..sounds Italian.
So I checked out stuff about him in Wiki..
What I read left me totally spaced out..
Like,whoa!
This is the man behind all those great tunes..
I think maybe I assumed before that Flea did all the guitar work..
or maybe I again assumed everything was the magic of Ant and his long silky hair
hahahaha
Whatever..but I started paying attention to Frusciante..and I was like damn..how come I never noticed this hot guy in RHCP?
Where was he?
How come he sorta looked different now..
I really started enjoying myself a bit at this times..coz I was actually chilling out with a band that I was so comfortable with in my teens..and now after so many years,i still could actually relate to..but I never really bothered checking out Fru's stuff..I was thinking yeah yeah..he is an awesome guitarist,and hot looking as hell..but solo stuff?nah..must be some new age shit..

What made me listen to Fru?
One day when a huge fight broke out between me & someone dear to me..
I cried like never before..this was the freaking mother of all cryathons..
I think I cried like for 2-3 days continuously..
I either slept or cried.
After a few days crawled back to the computer again..thinking..not even rock music is gonna help this time I just wanna be gone..and I saw this song..titled Dying Song..John Frusciante.I thought..oh well..since everything in my life sucks..not in the mood to listen to energetic vibes..might as well listen to this song..hopefully it's depressing enough to make me cry more..
See my mentality?
I didn't wanna feel good.I didn't wanna feel better.
I just totally blamed myself for everything that was going wrong & I just wanted to punish myself in the worst way possible,to make this a lesson I'd never forget.
I think I was playing some game on Facebook when the song started playing..there was no video..just some fan made clips..
I didnt even read the reviews.
Just pressed play & prepared to cry.

Surprisingly..
I didn't cry.
What I did was to replay the song.
Once.
Twice.
Again.Again.
Then I downloaded it to my mp3 player.
It definitely was not what I had expected,but I could not quite get it.
At night when I went to bed..
I played it.
There in the dark as I lay thinking about the cruel world & the black coils of bitterness around my aching heart..something seemed to happen.
As I listened to his soft voice my heart seemed to soften.
The music slowly started to fill my ears,then my mind..
Soon as I lay there with my eyes closed..
Instead of darkness..
I visualized shiny,glowing orbs
Orbs of the prettiest hues
Lilac..pink..lavender..gold..greens..blues..
I didn't feel like crying.
I can't quite describe what I felt.
It was not even rock music.
More like acoustic guitar with silent bursts of synths.
And a beautiful raw voice that went low and soft and high.
That was the first day a new chapter began for me.
And it was also the start of a very delayed but fruitful exploration of John Frusciante.Fru love.What a word.Yet..so true.
The following days..I was happier.Each time I found something new from Fru,I was amazed.Never bored.When I listened to his songs..instead of images I see colours, and I feel this affection,love wrap itself around me..I started to focus on my art work seriously..you can tell the difference if you were to compare my stuff from before,and now.My works speak of what I feel.Friends teased me.Saying it was gonna be a one time thingy,a phase..a fad.I knew deep in my heart that they were wrong.Bcoz,to me..I think he is the best musician ever..and the fact that there are 2 sides to him,one as the headbanging,body swaying,rock God genius of RHCP ..and the other side of him,as a low key,silent,unpredictable,underground,indie-rock,experimentalist artiste..
to me..that was simply fascinating.
Now you know why I'm in love with the band and the man so much.
To this day..and it's July now mind you,
I listen to their songs everyday.
Most of the songs in my mp3 player have been deleted to make more room for RHCP stuff & John stuff.All the songs,live concerts,acoustics,covers.
I listen to them the moment I wake up till I fall asleep at night.
Sometimes occasionally I bump into someone who also knows about his solo albums..that's the only time when I can actually happily discuss the music I love...so precious to me.

I feel alot happier..I dunno why.
Things are better,some things never change..
Like the sharp pang of pain in my heart when I see that person..
I have never gotten over it..and it feels like I never will because the feelings are still the same..but these days..I can handle the pain a lot better.

Whoa.
See..I can talk la dammit.
I'm so tired from typing!
Hey but seriously..
Whatever I said is 100% true & I didn't pause for a minute to think of what to write next..my fingers just flew..I guess I been longing to let someone know about the reason for my obsession.
Some of you may say I'm being unrealistic,that I'm shutting myself out totally and it's gonna be harmful in the end and everything but please honestly..is there anything you can do for me?
You can't.So let me be happy.
I used to dream of happiness & love.
I used to WAIT for the promises.
Then everything was gone.
So no more waiting.
I want to be happy and I want to be happy now.

For those who have had the patience to sit this thing out..I'm honestly very grateful to you.Thank you so much.I love you people..thank you.

2008-07-13T21:16:00.002+08:00

Was prowling online for more RHCP pics..
Stumbled upon some oldies..
HAHAHAHA..
Really made me giggle..

Anthony & Fru hahaha Ant looks like a Greek woman in the olden days..and Fru..well Fru.. has a grape up his nose.

OMFG!!
JOHN FRUSCIANTE?
he's actually kinda hot in a dress..
oh my..hahahaha

How freaking cute is this?
Anthony..hot hunky sexy Anthony..
Swinging like a lil gal on a swing!
I can almost hear him singing
Tra la la la la ..

Guess who got the pie in the face..
Hmmph..
Bully my Johnny!!!
arghhh

Check out the look on Ant's face!
Like..huh..what am I doin here???
WTF!!
hahahaha

2008-07-13T20:17:00.004+08:00

OMG
I was logged in to MySpace & the rumour running around
cyberspace..well BESIDES the fact that Angelina Jolie gave birth
to twins..a boy & a girl..pffft..hmph that woman has everything perfect la..
ANYWAYS...Anthony Kiedis & girlfriend Heather Christie have split up!
It was really shocking news..coz they just had a baby & in fact the group is on a year hiatus just to catch up on their personal stuff & spend time with their families..
I feel kinda sad..though some fans were happy as hell in the forums..well..Stadium Arcadium was full of love.You have to hear it to feel it.You could feel the love through the words.. Especially this one song..it really made me cry..Hard To Concentrate..coz whenever I listened to the lyrics..I'd imagine Ant was dedicating them to Heather Christie..and I used to think wow..amazing how this dirty,nasty,funky,wild yet deeply soulful guy could come up with such sincere & heartfelt lyrics.Whichever guy dedicates this song to his lovely fair maiden,is gonna be well rewarded..don't believe me?
Check out the video..WITH the lyrics.
Go on. Here's the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwyMYGqEvSg
If you're really in love/or looking for love
this song WILL touch you.
If you're bored by it..you're prolly heartless hmph & not romantic at all!
hahahaha..seriously though..take a listen.
and as for Ant & Heather..
I dunno..well they are celebrities..
He is old enough to be her father..
They seemed to sync so well together..
They have a baby.
Californication eh Ant?

2008-07-13T16:29:00.002+08:00

Goodness gracious.
It's barely been a week since
I posted and I have been recieving smses asking me if I'm sick or out of Spore.
Ermm..freaky much?

I have been extremely busy..
The eldest big cousin in our family,Galvin,came down to Spore with his wife Jo & son Shaun.. like..hmm..couple of weeks back..I guess I was too preoccupied to even blog about it that time..but yeah they come to Spore from London once every 2yrs or so..coz Jo's family is in Spore..well they specifically make it a point to come down coz of her ill dad..so yeah was very happy & excited to see them,I missed Galvin so much..he's like in his 40s!!Honestly doesn't look his age but yeah...I find myself often laughing at the fact that I have cousins who are so much more older than I am,overseas.Unfortunately,Jo's dad,passed away last week,last Sunday to be exact.. after a long struggle with several illnesses brought on by old age..personally,it was amazing he had held on for so many years..so the entire of last week,was spent at Jo's eldest bro's place..mum and I made sure we turned up every single day to join in the prayers..well for one thing,Jo's family is large..she has 7 siblings,and when you count their spouses & multiple kids..well..you have a whole battalion..a happy,united,loving battalion.Compared to our side of the family which is embarassingly small..and not very focused on family unity & such(long story don't even get me started,I'll make a mega serial on Sun TV one day)..mum & I didn't want Galvin to feel that no one from our family is there for him.
Sigh.Everything went on smoothly & the funeral service was beautiful..yeah even on that day we only reached home at midnight!

So the unexpected demise of Jo's dad pretty much took away all our time last week & after that I was just very very tired & sickly for a couple of days..alarmingly I am getting to be very content spending time on the computer than talking to people!Even when I do chit chat,it's mostly to Glash or Sanjit or Latsy(which is also rare)
I dunno..so much of ideas,so much of opinions,so much to say but no one has the time to hear me out..so I shut myself in while others go on about their life,their friends,their interests etc etc.Sometimes I feel like saying..hey why should I bother when you don't give a rats ass to what I say?Well..I think about it but I don't say it..like they do..coz I care about how others feel.So I shut up about how I feel inspired by music,by RHCP,by Fru,by knowledge..I shut up about how it hurts everytime I see his face,I shut up about how it feels to stay with someone who I hate but have to endure,I just freaking SHUT UP.
Coz it hurts when I start to talk and that's when people on the other end choose to do their own stuff..or interrupt me..or worse still..ask me if I'm done.
Then these same people come after me asking me for help ..for ideas..for favours.
It hurts & I want out.
Hence the low profile.

Think about it.Whoever you people are.
I'm not pin pointing someone,rather a general bunch of you people.
I'm sure by the time you're reading this you'd have felt it in your heart so don't ask me if it's you or not.If you felt it,then you prolly did it to me sometime or another.

I'm also pretty much bored at home these days coz Clif is still not back from Aussie..yeah he left before the funeral..and I chat with him online sometimes..but mostly all of us miss him.It's just not the same without his yelling for food,yelling for the towel,loud football games...sigh.He's having loads of fun though in Melbourne with Karthik , Vicknesh & Nithin..today the boys are heading to Sydney for 3 days...
SOME PEOPLE ARE SOOOO LUCKY!!

Ok I'm supposed to call Glash back..there's still so much to say..I'll be back later....

2008-07-09T05:48:00.002+08:00

Hullo.

Just a quick note to say that I'm still alive.

So hold on to the party poppers & champagne

Super busy,it seems that 24hrs is simply not enough

I can't believe that I'm actually still job hunting..

I feel like I had more free time on my hands while I was working!

Ironical?

Very.

So yeah about to sleep now..

It's close to 6am..

and I have another long day today

Will be back with updates n all hopefully

by tomorrow or before the weekend

Au Revoir

2008-07-06T10:21:00.003+08:00

Before I start off with my post today

I have to say thank you

To a very special group of fellas..

For that wonderful surprise you guys gave

For the awesome treat & gifts

For making me bawl infront of 50 ang mohs(ahem)

Hehehe

You guys are very talented..

Always follow your dreams,never give up

The song was very special,and close to my heart

Thank you for making it even more memorable

For sure,soon time will sink it's hungry teeth upon this friendship

Let's always remain in touch..

Thank you..thank you..

Thank you

Now..
I have been complaining since last week to my close friends
Of some weird sense of foreboding
Like something really bad was gonna happen..
Soon.
Somehow caught up in the merriment of last night
I never quite felt the creeping of that similar feeling
That chest sinking,throat choking,mind numbing
Stomach fluttering sensation
Stayed up till about 8am
Listening to songs & doin stuff
That's when the feeling really really got worse..
Suddenly I felt cold..very cold
Yet my body temperature started going up
Went to try and sleep but after an hour
Woke up.

Still have the bad feeling like I was gonna hear something really bad
Or like..
Gosh I dunno.
Just a fkg rotten feeling.
Like you know you did something majorly wrong & like everyone's
gonna know sooner or later...

Great now I'm sneezing..
I know what some of you are gonna say..
Late night..no sleep..body tired..
Yeah yeah..
more like my mind tired ok..

I'm gonna go try get some shut eye again
Just want this weird feeling to get lost

2008-07-05T06:25:00.002+08:00

Still not asleep..
Was smsing my new buddy.. Ashy
Haha who is like thousands of miles away from me
Under the sunny blue skies of LA
Lucky ass.Argh
Feels like we've known each other for ages
It's barely been a week!!
Okies learnt some web stuff thingy online
Yeah so now my brain is exhausted..
Thanks to my extra-kiasu note taking & memorizing
(kiasu means..ermm..OVER-enthusiastic,to the extreme,overboard..blah blah..get it guys?)
ok looks I have to tone down on the singlish here.. before I start getting weird questions..
YAWN!!
ok that's it goodnite morons!!
Am gonna fall asleep with Fru's voice in my ears..
How I wish that was as literal as it sounded!
Dream on.

2008-07-05T02:32:00.002+08:00

Been through the dark

Been through the light

Now I seem to be going thru the strangest years ever

I am oddly detached from the rest

Yet never have I craved so badly for the company of another human

I don't want to hear their sweet nothings but

just to hear a loving sentence said in all honesty

would just about make my day

No taste for food

No mood to sleep

Several parts of the day seem blank as I reflect now

Misunderstood often

Biting back my lips to stop the angry words

Never ending test

Do I care anymore?

Does it even matter...

2008-07-02T21:12:00.001+08:00

Lame day.
Finally finished the report I was supposed to pass to Raf yesterday
The hp is still peaceful in the drawer..
I am not sure if it's coz no one's messaging me or
if the reception's screwed again..
but I don't care..

I rather like being unattached to the hp thse days..
YEAHHH gone are the maniacally sms-ing days of yours truly.
I have other maniacal pursuits these days..Haiiiiiiiiiiz.
I been sighing the whole freakin day.
I miss him like crazy and it's pissing me off
Dreams dreams dreams.
What do I want?
I have no idea.

All I know is that ..this is not as easy as it seems.
To actually pretend to be nonchalant while my heart just wants to barge
out of it's dark hiding place &
pull him by the collar and scream ," WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
okaaaaaaaay.a tad mental.relax.
As usual listening to my mp3 player
which now is like 75% filled with the glorious funky sounds
of RHCP and the dark indie thumps of John Fru...
my darlings my inspiration..

hahaha yeah so got busy and did a
brand new design..erm would not call it design
actually..more like my creative output..
did a cool frosty one of myself..
and a cool retrofied wallpaper of Fru for
some of my pals..and learnt some new stuff..
I guess I just miss him too bloody much.

Each time a song comes on,I either think of
Fru or him.
Him or Fru.
Fru & Him
Fru and ME
ME and HIM

obsession is such lovely posion for the mind
as I listen to the rain lashing against my windows
I munch on a chocolate..
thinking of Twinny suddenly
Hahahaa...Random.
Oh yeah did major revamping of my friendster details..
This time was very blunt and very frank
Not in the mood to make any new friends
in fact wanted to actually delete off the whole damn thing..
then thought that would really be a pity coz
I have traced many of my old pals thru this lame network..
so yeah let it remain..
but I am deleting off some people..
as in..I have deleted off like 350 people already..
no joke I tell ya!!I'm gonna be more selective from now.

Have to help Clif with his packing..
he's flying off with his friends to Australia tomorrow
Yeah him too!!Flying off!!
I'm gonna be so lonely!!Nobody wants me!!
Boo hoo!!
Nevermind.
I have my John.
*sniff*

2008-06-30T02:00:00.002+08:00

Been feeling pretty crappy

and crabby

and bleahhhh

Waiting for the Spain VS Germany match to start..

Well lucky thing Clif is here tonight..at least I have someone to watch soccer with..

I HATE WATCHING SOCCER ALONE!!

Was also chatting with this cutie Tom..on Myspace..lucky them..it's 2pm in the afternoon now for them..haiz..he's about to catch the match too & we are both rooting for Spain!!

My stomach cramps killing me..my heart cramp till can't cramp no more..

my head hurts & it's strange but I keep getting the scent of some medicine in the air..y'know that sharp smell that hits you when you enter the hospital..yeah that kinda smell..in the air..and it doesn't help that there's a cold chill in the air tonight either..

Weird.

Urghh..

I might not watch the entire match..I doubt I can anyways..have stuff to finish up..and I need to sleep..I miss someone like crazy but I don't know why..after so long.

Toodles.

2008-06-29T14:41:00.002+08:00

So tell me again..

What do you gain exactly by making me feel the way I do now?

I never knew you to be sadistic.

Then again..I guess I never really knew anyone.

Always beaten down by the ones I love.

Forever downtrodden by my own comrades.

I'm warning you now

I have been saying this for some time now

I seriously need a break from your kind

I used to be so happy,and I had so much to be happy for..

Now there is nothing to be happy about..

Yet I get real and I get on with life..but for heaven's sake

HAVE A FUCKING HEART!

There are things that I am trying to battle

There are new routes I'm trying to pursue

I'm tired of everyone using me as a leaning post

Then running away or not being free when I am down

Yes I am sensitive!

It's a trait which I do not show out but

I'm super sensitive to the way people talk

Young or old..it gets to me easily

and yes I do bear grudges.

Why shouldn't I?

I have gained nothing from being forgiving.

I'm trying to fill my mind with good things..

Trying to build a bridge over troubled waters

I am not asking for any help

Honestly I have said this before..no need

Just let me have some peace

When I do say something or talk about stuff that makes me happy,be a liar and agree.

Don't cut me off or brush me off or rudely point out your jarring criticisms or just plain show me that you aint bothered..because it hurts.Especially when I'm sharing about something that means so much to me.Anyways it's ok..I won't do any of that anymore.Not worth sharing my precious knowledge with people who are just shallow & fickle minded.

You know this thing will just go on and on..

I'm stopping here..

I know some people are not gonna be happy about this post

I really don't care what you feel anymore,you know?

I have been listening to my traitor heart for so long..

It's only now that my long buried brain is slowly reviving

With it comes the desire & thirst to show people like you..

who I really am.

This time with my mind.No longer shall the heart rule.

and yeah Glash..I know what you're gonna ask me

this doesn't mean I'm crazy or losing it..

it simply means that I am dying inside

& this is the time for me to rescue myself.

I can't show it out..but I'm bleeding inside every single day

It has been the worst year ever..I have lost alot of happiness

Alot.

Nothing can ever make me feel the way I did ever again

Then again..this is enough to make me grow up a bit more.

Have a good Sunday.

2008-06-28T09:07:00.002+08:00

I have officially been using the computer for the past 26hrs.
I have not slept for 2 days.
I have not eaten solid food since 1pm yesterday.
I have heard hundreds of songs.
Watched YouTube videos like there was no tomorrow
Photoshopped tons of stuff.
Put some up on my Deviantart account..changed my friendster profile pics & songs,updated my MySpace,oh yeah by the way if anyone wants to add me up there..
this is my addy : myspace.com/apophenia

I updated songs in my Imeem account & added new stuff to my Photobucket account..
I put up ratings for email sellers I have done transactions with.
I chatted with Twinny.
Watched more videos.
All the while feeling the pain in my body spread and spread.
I don't know what I'm doing to myself but perhaps..
it's a sign that I'm close to a breakdown?
I month of controlling my tongue,my temper,my thoughts,my feelings,and devoting myself completely to whatever relaxes and soothes my mind..it was good.It still is good.Then why have I been feeling so strange the past couple of days?Nothing interests me much,except the music.I talk to some friends..many I rather not talk to right now..
Whatever it is..I want this discomfort to end.
I feel as if I'm silently battling within myself while acting cool with others.
I don't wanna break down.
Please..I really don't wish to talk to anyone right now..

Everywhere I turn,I hope to see a smiling face,someone who sincerely cares enough to ask me if I'm ok now..if I had anything to talk about..but no..no one did..and I realise that no one will..I'm only called upon when I'm needed as usual..so what's new?
That's why I avoid people.I avoid talking.
It's not bcoz I want to be rude..it's bcoz I am already trying to cope with stuff that may not seem much to others but is affecting me in so many bloody ways...and on top of that I have no energy to pretend to be interesting or cheerful..and it doesn't help that I am still stuck with my own crappy problems..get it?So I'm doin us a favour here by keeping a low profile..once I'm ok I will be back to normal.but I cannot act like before..I feel useless when I hear about others' problems & I can't even do a single thing to help them...I cry sometimes bcoz I am so tired of being tested..so tired of running to comfort everyone..but end of the day..there's no one to console me.
What choice do I have but to turn to the things I do best?

Yet some people choose to ridicule me..and some people get mad at me without understanding my situation..hey if you don't know about my problem,consider yourself damn lucky..that shows I don't go around whining!For those of you who have already hurt me in the past few days..over petty issues..forget about our friendship..I really don't care anymore who remains by my side and who doesn't..really doesn't make a difference because end of the day I either cry alone or die alone.
This post was not meant to hurt anyone,it's just an honest plea to please cut me some slack..I know I'm freaking 27 but that doesn't mean my heart is painproof!
It's not the first time this kinda shit's happening..but by God I know it will be the last..
Please do not ask me AFTER this post what's wrong..
It's too late.

2008-06-27T11:21:00.002+08:00

Extremely busy doing stuff

Somehow didn't feel like posting in here

Some thoughts are just too private & I rather just keep my feelings to myself

It's not as if my words are being heard anyways.

Cheers

2008-06-25T02:22:00.000+08:00

Untitled #3 By John Frusciante From The Album 'Niandra Lades And Usually Just A T-Shirt'.

Lyrics:

A dove is a glove
That I wear in my heart
And though I like to dress smart
It doesn't have any part of the world of fashion
And you're there to put me down
And I'm sick off the frowns that follow me around
I would like the sky but there's no reason why
She'd say to this world with the nose of a girl
Turned up so loud that it rings sings the cloud
I've never been here and though you're physically here
You're pushing me away to decay like the day that I loved

There is a girl, blabbing nothing outside my window
What do I have to show
To a world that the only way to destroy
Is to die like a baby boy
I could be happy in infinity
Of the space of my eyelid
But I know I'm somewhere else
Where the words on this page
Are better than the scribling nonsense they are,
And it would be real,
And I eat my last meal
Wish that I could feel
But now I don't even know if I'm real

2008-06-24T19:43:00.002+08:00

I had a rather mortifying afternoon.

Since some of the characters in this episode

May be minors,

No names will be mentioned..

Oi..NOTHING scandalous la!

Well..but it was terrible for me..

Was at my friend's place this afternoon coz I was bored as hell & tired of the computer..

besides what I realllllly wanted was someone whom I could talk to about music & stuff..

Bad luck..bad timing his sister's ENTIRE gaggle of schoolmates decided to drop in too..

Sigh.

I'm really not anti-social but I'm not exactly Mother Goose you see..

I wasn't willing to make small talk..not when I was all pumped up for some rock talk..

I thought they too would have some nonsense on their agenda & hence leave us in peace but

NOOOOOOO..they had to occupy the same space we had,they had to butt in every now and then..or talk at the top of their IRRITATING whiny voices about total shit..ARRGHHH..

Ok nevermind.

All that I could still endure..

As my friend was tuning the guitar,this particularly cute looking friend of the sis's started boasting about how she was ''SOOOO'' totally into rock & started that emo shit about no one understanding her and all she wants is this and that and blah blah..

The whole gang nod their heads and start talking and one of the twerps suggested that they should just simply "rock out" and be bad gals n do what they wanna do...*yawn*

My friend and I had already started chilling to some BSSM and I guess these gals were bored..So they started dancing to the songs we were listening to.

Irritating.

Then one of these gals..turns on MTV or something..

yeah bloody rude right..

I was seriously thinking of leaving & that's when this Black Eyed Peas song comes on MTV..and all the twerps squeal & say ohhh this is hardcore rock!!I so wanna headbang.

I ask you..

WTF?

Who the hell HEADBANGS to SHUT UP by BEP?

why the hell is that even considered as rock in the first place?

Arrrghhhh..

If that is HARDCORE..i really don't wanna know what mushy shit they listen to when they are in a romantic mood!!!

The scene that greeted our eyes was pathetic..

This gals..sashaying and flipping their neat,rebonded,with little flips as they pranced..

THEY CALL THIS HEADBANG??

I felt like banging all their heads together!!

My friend and I soon had our revenge though..

When "Give It Away" started playing..

We went mad.

Literally.

It was the ''EXTENDED" concert version sumore..

just imagine!!

We were kicking back chairs

& air-guitaring..and from the beginning right up to the freaking sweeeeeeet outro..we just could not be still!!

It had been a long time since I had this kinda fun with friends..of course you'd NEVER catch me rocking out in public..but it felt so good..and you know what felt better...

the looks on those faces!!!

Priceless I tell u!!

I saw a mixture of fear & wonder

Hahahahahaahahaha..

I wanted to laugh but I was too out of breath..

I guess they were shocked to see the very silent,

lady like me going into some sort of trance..

After that they talked in hushed whispers..

Me?

I just felt good.

Hell yeah.

After an hour or so left for home..

and now..right now..

I'm feeling the after effects of the impromptu performance..

My neck..freaking hurts..my shoulders are kinda tingly and the top half of my back..

arrgh..worse still I can't feel my head..as in..erm..hahaha I dunno I just feel like I'm headless or something..

Serves me right..I guess..

Should have practised some control..

I don't even wanna think about how my neck & back is gonna ache tomorrow..

Hehe..but if I had a chance..I'd do it all over again...

I bet it will be a long time before those lambs even think about "Rocking out"

Damn.

So sad to see the state of rock the newer bands are coming up with..

No passion,just entertainment..a whole lot of pretty faces..snappy lyrics..

I guess I'm just lucky to know at least some of the remaining true rock bands..

and of course,thank God for my RHCP & Frusciante..hehehe..

I aint no 70s kid but I can feel the sheer energy of those years just by their music!!

I will never say rock is dead..

but I have to admit..

Rock is indeed going stale..

2008-06-22T05:33:00.002+08:00

Ok 3 people sent me emails in Facebook asking for the lyrics of the RHCP
song I posted last night...
Ermm for the record I have yet to sleeep...it's hmm 5.30am now & raining heavily..
Was putting up some stuff on Deviantart..the people there are really so nice & supportive..
Anyways...
Just to update..my Hp is having some kinda attack..as in..it's fine for an hour,and blinks off the next 2hrs..then starts up again.
Then,my Friendster...well..it's just horrible..I can't even access my profile page,let alone my requests and inbox messages..,and my tag board in here..is not even appearing!My cousin told me that the could view it,so I dunno what's the problem on my side..everything's topsy turvy..so I guess I'm just left with Facebook,or my email..

Ok this is why I should never stay up late.
I'm starving now.
Arghhh.
Here are the lyrics..
I dunno why everytime I see it I just grin widely
Reminds me of so many people in my life..
and also reminds me once again why RHCP is close to my heart..

Gotta go now..wanna practise the Anthony dance steps in the video..
HOT i tell ya..he's HOT..
so is Johnny..
haiz..ok ok bye!!

It must have been your funny face
It must have been your love
It must have been your paper chase that
Wasn't quite enough

It must have been your tiny dance that
Made me laugh out loud
Must have been your angel dust that
Put me on your cloud

You're the reason why...
You're the reason I...

It must have been your love... oh
It must have been your love... I said
It must have been your love... In a little bit...
It must have been your love

It must have been your poppy eyes
That made me step outside
It must have been the sight of tears that
Let me know I cried

It must have been your bunny shake
It must have been your love
A lot of girls won't come around they
Treat me like a wolf

It must have been your love
It must have been your love... I said
It must have been your love... I gotta get that
It must have been your love

You're my angel baby
You're my darling
You're my star
Lo lo lo lolita
Let her see me deep in love

You're the reason why...
You're the reason I...

It must have been your love
It must have been your love... now
It must have been your love...
It must have been your love

You're my angel baby
You're my darling
You're my star
Lo lo lo lolita
Let her see me deep in love

I've stared at eyes in a crooked frown
Make more of life, just settle down
Every single little princess needs a crown
Make more of life, just settle down

2008-06-21T22:53:00.005+08:00

A firm kick in the pants
This last chance to get things right
This was one time I closed an eye
Looked away from you
Look out for yourself tonight
Sometimes I have to get things right
I never meant what I said to you
To give up all the things that you love to do
I'd never guessed that you'd done me wrong
I'll never accept that dance and song
A little time to adjust
Would be just what we need
I've meant to tell you what I
think that you think
When I cross your mind
Forgone
Stressed at the light
Whats wrong with being uptight
I never say what I intend to
But does it mean that much to you?

I'd a close call with a glitch in time
Are you really that happy to be mine
No I'm not disguising
All that fighting
And dreams not come true
I will play some light from the sun
The world by my side
I will see down as a forlorn maiden in the sky
And I will play a song of
thunder you may recognize
You make a never
Thats forever
Knowing what you deny
When I revisit the past its a blast
I've just gotta move on
I've just let down someone I relied on
And I dont see why

How did we pretty up that speech
M City talking through me
I've never done what I set out to do
Don't come to me 'cuz I'll run from you
Left out of life would I really care
Not a whole lot
There's nothing for me there
I'll never forget the limits that we set
Back when it was out moon
I never made a presence of
living with good sense
It's really not my strong suit

2008-06-21T22:50:00.000+08:00

For changing lines
I've got no time tonight
In these times the wind
surpasses the tide
when the wake ups hard to find
dreams make up for your life
This crazy shine it never lets you die
Going up
We become what we want
Again the moon rises up too high
And we don't need the sky

Wonder what it is that makes
the world turn slower
wonder what it is that
makes me feel so mad
everyone that talks to me
I so wish wouldn't
I wouldn't even care
except I feel so bad

why is there noone in my life?
time..
there's no time tonight
Wide...
there's no room to see wide
Time..
There's no time tonight

2008-06-20T20:02:00.004+08:00

Well my dear Twinny has been telling me that she's so bored..

Of late I guess I have also been bored..

In fact too bored to notice that I'm bored I think!

So for this post shall post some stuff for you guys to read..

I'll try to do more of that in the future..

In the meantime,the topic for today will be on

Superstitions..one of my fave topics to discuss haha!

Ok ok some of these grandma's tales I'm sure we have all heard before..

Lets just see how many more there are that we have yet to come across..

Death

A bird in the house is a sign of a death.

If a robin flies into a room through a window, death will shortly follow.

Light candles on the night after November 1. One for each deceased relative should be placed in the window in the room where death occurred.

You must hold your breath while going past a cemetery or you will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently died.

If a clock which has not been working suddenly chimes, there will be a death in the family.

You will have bad luck if you do not stop the clock in the room where someone dies.

If a woman is buried in black, she will return to haunt the family.

If a dead person's eyes are left open, he'll find someone to take with him.

Mirrors in a house with a corpse should be covered or the person who sees himself will die next.

Dogs howling in the dark of night, Howl for death before daylight.

If you dream of death it's a sign of a birth, if you dream of birth, it's a sign of death.

If you touch a loved one who has died, you won't have dreams about them

A person who dies on Good Friday will go right to heaven.

A person who dies at midnight on Christmas Eve

will go straight to heaven because the gates of heaven are open at that time.

All windows should be opened at the moment of death so that the soul can leave.

The soul of a dying person can't escape the body and go to heaven if any locks are locked in the house.

If the left eye twitches there will soon be a death in the family.

If a dead person's eyes are left open, he'll find someone to take with him.

Funerals on Friday portend another death in the family during the year.

It's bad luck to count the cars in a funeral cortege.

It's bad luck to meet a funeral procession head on.

Thunder following a funeral means that the dead person's soul has reached heaven.

Nothing new should be worn to a funeral, especially new shoes.

Pointing at a funeral procession will cause you to die within the month.

Pregnant women should not attend funerals.

If the person buried lived a good life, flowers will grow on the grave.

If the person was evil, weeds will grow.

If a mirror in the house falls and breaks by itself,

someone in the house will die soon.

A white moth inside the house or trying to enter the house means death.

If 3 people are photographed together, the one in the middle will die first.

If 13 people sit down at a table to eat, one of them will die before the year is over.

Dropping an umbrella on the floor means that there will be a murder in the house.

hahahahahahaaha!!

ok ok ok

I dun wanna laugh la

touch wood

next category ....

Hair

If you don't cover your bald head it will start raining

If you shave your head on a Saturday, you will be in perpetual debt

You shouldn't wash your hair the day before an exam.

Hair at no age must be cut at the waning of the moon,

which would prevent it growing luxuriantly.

Hair cut off should always be burned; it unlucky to throw shorn hair away;

otherwise, birds might make a nest of your hair, weaving tightly, so that you would have difficulty rising on your last day.

Choosing to cut your hair (or nails) on a particular day means the following: Cut them on Monday, you cut them for health; cut them on Tuesday, you cut them for wealth; cut them on Wednesday, you cut them for news; cut them on Thursday, a new pair of shoes; cut them on Friday, you cut them for sorrow; cut them on Saturday, see your true love tomorrow; cut them on Sunday, the devil will be with you all the week.

WTF?????

OK OK

TIME FOR SOME GOOD LUCK!!

Good Luck

Good Luck: A robin flying into the house

Good Luck: Sneezing 3 times before breakfast

Good Luck: Meeting 3 sheep

Good Luck: Looking at the new moon over your right shoulder

Good Luck: A 4-leaf clover

Good Luck: Spilling wine while proposing a toast

Good Luck: Putting a dress on inside out

Good Luck: 9 peas in a pea pod

Good Luck: Hearing crickets singing

Good Luck: Picking up a pin, Dropping a glove

Good Luck: A horseshoe, Peacock feathers

Good Luck: Cutting your hair during a storm

Good Luck: Sleeping facing south

Good Luck: White heather

Good Luck: Picking up a pencil in the street

Good Luck: Breaking clear and uncolored glass

Good Luck: Walking in the rain

Good Luck: Sleeping on un-ironed sheets

Good Luck: Avoiding cracks in the sidewalk

Good Luck: An itch on the top of your head

Good Luck: Scissors hanging an a hook

Good Luck: A ladybug on you

Good Luck: Carrying an acorn on your person will ensure good luck & longevity!

Good Luck: To find a four-leaf clover means immense good luck, so keep it safe

Good Luck: To pick up a piece of coal that has fallen in your path.

Good Luck : To have one's garments caught up by a bush or briar when out walking

is a promise of good luck, involving monetary gain.

Good Luck: New enterprises will be fortunate if begun at the time of the new moon.

Good Luck: If by chance you meet the same person twice when you are out on business. It is even luckier if you encounter him once when you are setting out and again when you are returning.

Good Luck: Dolphins swimming nearby a ship

Good Luck: A naked woman on board a boat is said to calm the seas.

Good Luck: Golfers can have a successful day on the course if they start their round with odd numbered clubs and don't use balls with numbers higher than 4

Good Luck: To set out for golfing on a rainy day

See a penny, pick it up; all day long you will have good luck.

Ok that's enough weirdness for one evening,I'm going crossed eyed!!!

Then again this seemed interesting..

So yeah last one..then I'm outta here!

Halloween Night

If you hear foot steps behind you on this night, don't look back.

It may be the dead following you.

Turning back could mean that you will soon join the dead.

Girls who carry a lamp to a spring of water on this night

can see their future husband in the reflection.

Girls who carry a broken egg in a glass to a spring of water (during the day)

can not only see their future husband by mixing some of the spring water into the glass,

but she can also see a glimpse of her future children.

An old tradition was that girls should go into a field and there scatter the

seed of hemp.

While they did so they chanted “Hempseed I sow thee Come after me and show me”.

Upon suddenly turning round,

it was declared that each girl would

see a vision of the man who would be her husband.

Bobbing for Apples -

Each member of the party is given an apple, from which a small piece has been cut, and into which a fortune written on a slip of paper has been inserted. The apples are thrown into a large tub of water and the company invited to duck their heads and retrieve an apple with their mouths. Upon doing so they draw out the slip of paper and read their fortune.

To find out of your lover is true.

select one of the letters which you have received from your sweetheart,

especially one which contains a particularly passionate and important declaration;

lay it wide open upon a table and then fold it nine times.

Pin the folds together,

place the letter in your left-hand glove,

and slip it under your pillow.

If on that night you dream of silver, gems, glass, castles or clear water,

your lover is true and his declarations are genuine;

if you dream of linen, storms, fire, wood, flowers, or he is saluting you,

he is false and has been deceiving you.

Mashed potatoes offer a method of divining who will be the first to wed.

Into the heap of mashed potatoes a ring, a three penny-bit, a button, a heart-shaped charm, a shell and a key are inserted. Then all the lights in the room are turned out,

and each guest, armed with a spoon or fork,

endeavors to find the hidden charms. The one who finds the ring win marry first;

the three penny-bit signifies wealth;

the button, bachelorhood or spinsterhood;

the heart, passionate love;

the shell, long journeys;

the key, great success and power.

The old Celtic custom was to light great bonfires on Halloween,

and after these had burned out to make a circle of the ashes of each fire.

Within this circle, and near the circumference,

each member of the various families that had helped to make a

fire would place a pebble.

If, on the next day, any stone was out of its place,

or had been damaged, it was held to be an indication that the one to

whom the stone belonged would die within twelve months.

Halloween derives its name from the fact that in the Christian calendar it occurs the day before 'All Saints' or All Hallows' Day. It was the last night of the old year according to the ancient calendar of the Celts. On that night it was said that the witches, hobgoblins, warlocks, and other evil spirits walked abroad and devoted themselves to wicked revels. But the good fairies, too, according to some folklore, made their appearance at this time, but only from the hour of dusk until midnight.

If a bat flies into a house it is a sign that ghosts are about and maybe the ghost let the bat in

If bats come out early and fly around playfully, then it is a sign of good weather to come.

If a bat flies around a house 3 times, it is a death omen.

Peel an apple from top to bottom.

The person with the longest unbroken peel would be assured the longest life.

If you threw the apple peel over your shoulder,

the initial it forms upon landing is the initial of your future mate.

When bobbing for apples,

it is believed that the first person to bite an apple would be the first to marry.

If you go to a crossroads at Halloween and listen to the wind,

you will learn all the most important things that will befall you

during the next twelve months.

A person born on Halloween can see and talk to spirits

To prevent ghosts coming into the house at Halloween, bury animal bones or a picture of an animal near the doorway.

If a girl puts a sprig of rosemary herb and a silver sixpence under her pillow on Halloween night, she will see her future husband in a dream.

In Britain, people believed that the Devil was a nut-gatherer.

At Halloween, nuts were used as magic charms.

Many people used to believe that owls swooped down to to eat the souls of the dying.

If they heard an owl hooting, they would become frightened.

A common remedy was thought to be,

turning your pockets inside out and you would be safe

Some believe if you catch a snail on Halloween night and lock it into a flat dish, in the morning you will see the first letter of your sweetheart written in the snail's slime

You should walk around your home three times backwards and counterclockwise before sunset on Halloween to ward off evil spirits

Knocking on wood keeps bad luck away

If you see a spider on Halloween,

it could be the spirit of a dead loved one who is watching you

If you ring a bell on Halloween, it will scare evil spirits away

In North America, it's bad luck if a black cat crosses your

path and good luck if a white cat crosses your path.

In Britain and Ireland, it's the opposite.

If a candle flame suddenly turns blue, there's a ghost nearby

2008-06-20T18:23:00.002+08:00

What a week.

A roller coaster ride of emotions

So much of anger tightly kept under control

So much of pain swallowed

I learnt that if I can't be genuinely happy,then I have to at least learn how to numb the pain.

How sad & pathetic it must seem to many,that I have to bombard my brains with rock music in order to forget how to think.

Where there is space for thoughts in my mind,there is space for anger,doubts,fear,sadness,confusion.Once that space is filled..nothing else can get in.

This is the way I have been living my life for the past 1 month.

Non stop.

Never a day without the music.

So much so that even on a day without the actual music,my lips form the lyrics to a song fondly remembered..or even as someone else speaks,my eyes are actually seeing some kick ass guitar solo..the faint melodies echoing in my ears.

Or maybe ..in my mind?

I guess so.

Sometimes my head gets heavy from all that non stop pounding.

My eyes have been more prone to pain since I have been in front of the computer for about more than 12hrs every single day..either writing away or doing stuff on PS..or watching music videos..or searching for even MORE videos to watch..

I have gotten so used to forgetting my mealtimes..sometimes hunched over my desk furiously writing away..I rarely talk much to anyone besides people who are very close to me..the music,makes me feel lighter,higher..inspired for sure..but i doubt that I can ever be truly happy again.Slipping on a fake smile has become like a second nature to me.

I feel as if something in me has already died.

I wish I could cry for that,but there are no more tears left.

I know there are many who have been trying to contact me..

I'm sorry..like I said before ,shit happens.

I wanted to say more but this much of self reflection is already beginning to tire me out.

I guess I'm not the same as before.

So..it's back to the music for me..

A bunch of instruments that can console me like no human ever can.

2008-06-18T04:17:00.003+08:00

Yawn.

So freakin sleepy but for some reason still up

Celebrated my mum's 53rd birthday last night..

The whole family ..well at least those in S'pore,that is..was present!

Cool yeah?

Anyways poor Glash & Jaryl were ill..

Well at least Jaryl was not too bad..Glash was completely flattened.

She spent most of the time resting in my dark bedroom,with me beside her..

Only came out for the cake cutting..

Poor girl!

In fact we were out together the day before & she was just perfectly fine!

The weather is so horrible..I can't find words to describe how damn suffocating it feels!

Ok actually I could but I think..I'm too sleepy..

Have been typing the wrong words for every single line..

Gonna crash now..catch ya guys later in the day!

2008-06-15T20:55:00.002+08:00

Alot of things happened today

Lets just say I wasn't feeling very good

Rested but not much..and just went about like a robot

Everything went on as per normal for most of the day

Till as usual there had to be some problem

And I was minding my own business

Till I was called out to the living room

& was asked my opinion on certain decisions

Well..I was a bit puzzled so I asked back why

such decisions were being made coz in my opinion

it wasn't such a good idea.

Then..somehow the other party suddenly got irritated and started raising her voice

I was already tense & irritated.

I just said look,don't come and dicuss with me if this is the way you are gonna raise your voice...and turned back to walk off..well..it didn't stop there.

I had a string of verbal abuse flung after me

I couldn't take it.

Just walked back to my room & started weeping.

I am so tired of being misunderstood.

There's no point fighting back coz everything I say is always misunderstood.

I end up being the baddie.

I have always hated people raising their voices at me.

Even when I used to work in the customer service line..and there was some VIP yelling,I'd stop the person and say in very polite tones that I could only understand what they were saying if they would lower their volume.

So at home..

I find myself unable to defend myself.

Coz there is no support.

Even though the fault is with someone else,others keep silent & hiss at me to be silent too.

I'm so sick of all this.

I haven't even eaten anything the whole damn day & I have no energy to come back with smart ass replies.

Well it's barely 9pm but I guess I'm turning in to bed.

Wanted to watch Incredible Tales at 10pm..but forget it.

My life itself is an incredible tale.

2008-06-15T16:41:00.002+08:00

I call this little thing of mine, Devil's Darling

Bass thumping
Heart pounding

The gentle caress
Stirring forgotten desires
Gently pulling heart strings
Bringing the shadow of a smile
On a sad face

The gentle sounds venture further
A little harder
Demanding entry
Chain of memories start unravelling
Eyes closed shut
Unwilling

Bass Heart
Heart Bass
Bass Heart
Heart Heart
Heart Heart

Gone is the gentle persuasion
Enter the sharp spine tingler
Flames of ice licking across warm skin
Shivers as the sound becomes a gentle whimper
Rising into a silent scream
Releasing Pandora's box
Mind set free,Runs wild
Heart unlocked,Starts craving
Invisible fingers reach into mind's depths
Pulling out the pain,numbing the reasons

Bass
Slowly
Bass
Slowly
Bass
Slowly

Now trapped
There's no turning back
The tormentor sweetly teases
Eyes close tighter
Not willing to end this perfect vision
Fragile symphony
Rising into a high crescendo
Tears escape clenched eyes
Bittersweet tears join the celestial wailing

Eyes fly open
Hands reach out to hold on
Emptiness
Darkness
The magic fades away

Just me
Left with the sound of my heart pounding in my ears
The last echoes of bass gently dying
Cheeks moist with half dried tears
Sleep embraces me with open arms
His guitar...

2008-06-15T01:31:00.005+08:00

ApacheRose-
Inspired by Anthony Kiedis
Song:Don't Forget Me
Album:By The Way

I am in love with this song.
So freaking in love.
With everything about the song
the beats,the guitar,the bass,Anthony's growling purr..
It feels like BSSM days all over again..
I have heard this on many of their jams but never knew what song it was.
Till I gave this a listen today.
I realise that their live shows are actually awesome..
I usually hate listening to live show audios coz I hate all the distortion..
so I'd rather listen to the original studio recordings.
Not this time..
The live shows ARE A MUST SEE.
Thanks to the impromptu jams between Flea & John
Like some sort of guitar mating ritual
HOT HOT HOT.

This has been an obsession
Will there never be an end
Will anyone understand?
For it is not the rambling of a star struck child
It is that of a grateful woman looking to escape this cold,unpassionate world

The last part of the song..the solo after 04:15 is the piece of music I had been searching for all this while..

2008-06-14T20:04:00.008+08:00

Feeling dazed.
Barely had any sleep & neck aches from peering at the computer for too long I guess..
I am not too sure why but I feel kinda weird today
Like this gut feeling growing & growing
it's up to the point where I feel overwhelmed & nervous.
I'm writing this out because I do not know whom to explain this to..
Or how to even start saying anything without sounding eccentric.
I just know that something bad is gonna happen & I don't like the feeling one tiny bit.
I have been happy in my own world for some time now..please God..I need this don't give me another blow now..I am barely healing but this time I know for sure that I will fall forever.
I should have seen the signs from yesterday..

I suddenly felt it from the way people were talking to me
Like I was some sort of person to be wary of..
Which I totally felt from their body language & tone
but could not for the life of me fathom the reason.
I was feeling angry & down when I spoke to an old friend..
I never asked anyone to come & solve my problems
Or beg them to listen to me..
So after the pain is gradually getting less..
You can't take it that I'm starting to be happy?
When I needed people to be around they never were.
They made me feel so tiny & insignificant.
Now that I want to be left alone in peace to reflect..
you people wanna come & provoke me?

Please..just leave me alone for a while..
I am not sick,I am not depressed & I'm not doing anything harmful..
For crying out loud,I'm not a freaking teenager anymore!
I am silent but I do speak when I'm spoken to..
So let it be that way for now.

I already sense alot of tension building up in the household.
It sucks when everyone happens to be at home..
The tension is so thick that I can almost feel it crackle
I just hope whatever it is..I'm not gonna be the cause of it.

Was doing some stuff on CS
I have been doing so much stuff inspired by RHCP..
YEAH YEAH RHCP..IM FREAKING OBSESSED WITH THEM CAN??
U DON'T LIKE IT JUST POKE UR EYES OUT OR SOMETHING...
DON'T WHINE TO ME.
Well ok..where was I..
Oh yeah..
I thought about doing something with them in it for a change..
Try as I might though..I could not find the picture which I had in mind..
So ended up doing one of John Fru...
Ok ok fine..
I WANTED TO DO ONE OF HIM LA..
Somehow I didn't have to do much..
just left it simple..
I was listening to this RHCP song..
Don't Forget Me..
I had always seen the title but never actually listened to the song..
Today when I heard it I just had to keep playing it over & over again
That's how good it was..

Flea simply rocks in this..Respect to him!
The bass was wicked cool & precise..I was looking through the live versions on youtube..& I came across one..which seriously made me feel a bit worried..at first

Everything was fine but John looked...either high or tipsy or a little eccentric..
he smiled so gorgeously back at fans,waved at them and all..but ..I just felt that something was not right coz he just acted plain strange..and it was kinda weird to see that the normally cheerful Flea ,Anthony & Chad looking strained & concentrating hard on their playing..but I don't get it..John still played his parts..with a smile..at one point with just one freaking hand & the other hand awkwardly scratching his head!!He didn't freak me out he just made me confused..coz he'd be ok one minute then loony the next..

Arghh ok nvm..I just hope it isn't what it looked like..
anyways that was like some time back..way before Stadium Arcadium..
So I hope he was just either tipsy or really really happy.
So yeah we all have our crazy days.
Erm..don't we?
Whatever I still freaking love that man..
With a heavy heart but lots of redhotlove from me..

wait a minute..NO not heavy heart..im just happy..happy happy happy that my idol is smiling..and the drug days are over..so forget what i said earlier..

Oh John John John..
Why do you have to be so strange..
Yet so innocently childlike..
Loved by all yet you seem to hate yourself sometimes
It feels like I'm seeing a mirror image of my mind in you
It's so weird to ever speak out but it feels right just writing it out.

2008-06-11T12:51:00.005+08:00

I have a strong feeling I'm gonna end up as a deaf old lady by the year 2045..Or maybe way before that.I have been listening to non stop RHCP either on my pc or on my mp3..if that's not enough,I even have John's solo guitar solo compilation recorded on my handphone..just in case the craving kicks in..

hahahahahahaa..ok when I put it down in words like that..It does sound rather bad huh?Anyways..it's just music & right now they have once again rescued me from a near depression state.As someone very special to me is so fond of saying.."Full Circle"We seem to somehow end up back in the same place where we began.

Ok enough fluffy talk..

Thanks to the pure rush of listening to so much great music,My mind has been working non-stopAs in,you ask?Well as in..I have started penning poetry again..random shit la..but still..haha and I have been busy with my CS3 trying my best to get out the images I see in my mind's eye..it's not as easy as getting my words but somehow I'm getting close..

Yesterday I was working on stuff for 13hrs straight.

Just like that.I forgot about breakfast & ended up grabbing a ice cream doughnut.I forgot about lunch till I realised I was starving & ate at 5pm.I kept putting off dinner coz I wasn't hungry but suddenly at midnight,the hunger pangs returned.

All thru this my pc was blasting away the music & shortsighted though i may be..I was glued to the screen.I've only been home for a while now,I really don't wanna get too comfy but then I have all this stuff in my head that I can't talk out to people..they don't understand..sigh..even I don't understand myself sometimes.So anyways..wanted to show you guys a little of the stuff I been doing..as per influenced by my darling peppers of course..Nothing fantastic but yeah.. I like what I've done..hmm instead of posting my stuff here,just go to my direct link

http://nightdivine.deviantart.com/gallery/

ok laterzzzz!!

2008-06-09T22:20:00.005+08:00

For those of you who have been asking me this question lately..I'm sooo tired of freakin tellin you to just Google it..but I'm such a sweet gal..I've decided to spoon feed these group of stubborn babies.

For the record,

YES,THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS HAVE SPLIT.

Ok ok..wait wait..It's just for the time being..

Ya know..like how you guys apply 3 freaking weeks AL from work & run off for family vacations?

So chill.They'll be back.

Erm.

I hope they will...

Anyways..kiddos here's the article..

Now..I really neeeeed to sleep.

Ciao...

RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS have split - for now.

Frontman Anthony Kiedis has confirmed the rockers have disbanded after the recording of their last album Stadium Arcadium and the tour that followed became a "gruelling, long haul".

He tells Rolling Stone magazine, "We didn't really stop until the tour ended last year. We were all emotionally and mentally zapped at the end of that run."

Cooler heads prevailed and the discussion at the end of our last tour was, 'Let's not do anything Red Hot Chili Peppers related for a minimum of one year, and just live and breathe and eat and learn new things.'"

And the break came at the perfect time for the band: "I was about to have a brand new son. Flea is very inspired to re-up his musical direction and ability and skill and he wants to learn new stuff. John (Frusciante) has been firing away on his own, making different solo projects."And Chad (Smith) joined a jazz band and went to Japan. I'm just home, hanging out with this really cool little kid, learning how to surf."

20/05/2008 01:32

2008-06-09T19:12:00.004+08:00

Patricia,It's all about attitude, and you've got a big enough one to make everyone believe whatever you want them to. Involve your family when making any major life decisions. Their insight will lead you in the right direction. Look for your likeness in people who seem entirely different than you.

(yeah right..been there done that buddy)

Feeling so sleepy..barely slept 15 mins last night

Read a friend's blog & it sort of opened up some fresh wounds

Tried to close my eyes & drift off to bed but still.

Eventually got up & started getting breakfast ready for the rest of the family

Well..it's almost 8pm now..and I feel super drowsy..

Eyes starting to glaze over & itch

Besides that been feeling pretty uneasy since yesterday

Like some sort of tummy cramp..

My mum lectured me saying it must be gastric but I knew it couldn't be..

I didn't starve myself ok!

Then my handphone..really pissed the hell outta me..

Kept turning on & off by itself..

When it was on,I would be unable to type in any smses or retrieve any smses.

Once I managed to type a message,halfway thru the hp would just turn off.

Feeling fed up I just plugged it back into the charger & left it there thinking that maybe it was acting loony coz of the half empty battery bar..2 hrs later I checked on my hp & was pleased to find it fully charged.

Imagine my immense irritation when in less than a minute..the hp flickered,then switched off again.Just as I was attempting to read my 12 unread messages!When I switched it back on,the battery bar showed as 3/4 EMPTY!

wtf rite?

I dunno wtf is going on.

First it seemed to be an M1 problem and I couldn't do much about that.

Then now..I dun even know if its my hp or M1..

Can't be both also at the same time rite?!!

Somehow around 11am this morning managed to read all my messages..but could not reply..so chucked the hp into one corner and went about doing my stuff..I simply had no mood..now it's back to normal..but occasionally flickering on & off.

Whatever.I'm too tired to bother & I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone...

Why should I bother when no one gives a damn about what I have to say?

So never mind leave it be.

Thanks to this hp,I didn't even get to reply to Latsy's messages before she left for her trip.

I hope she would have guessed my bloody hp back to its screwed up state again..

Ok I guess I'm just feeling several emotions at one go..coupled with a rising temperature & tummy pain..my deprived state is really getting to me..my mp3 player is with Clif..hope he comes back soon..I just wanna upload more stuff from JF & RHCP and take out my lens & SLEEP!

So now that Friendster is officially LAME..

Many of us wisER ones have scooted over to FaceBook

Which totally kicks ass

I always end up staring in amazement at the clock when I'm done FB-ing

I can spend hours in there!

Quizzes..games..groups..

Well since I'm super bored..

I'd just like to share some of my quiz results in here..

For those in the dark..

please..

get a freaking FaceBook account already can or not!!

Patricia took the quiz - What Season Are You? .

Quiet, calm, and totally at peace...You're happy to be at home, wrapped in a blanket, completely snowed in.

Whether you're lighting a fire or having a snowball fight, you always feel best in the winter.

Patricia took the quiz-What World Leader Are You?

You are "John F. Kennedy"!
Everyone wants to be you. You are rich and popular, especially with the ladies. You are the world's fastest speaker, but your speeches inspire people nonetheless. People love and admire you, and tend to forget your downfalls. Can't beat that!

Patricia took the quiz -What Sesame Street Character Are You?

Sweet & innocent, you expect everyone to adore you..which they usually do!

You are very talkative and you have got tons of stories to tell.And when you aren't talking you're laughing.You live your life with an open heart.

"Elmo Loves You!!!"

Which Hero Are You?

You are "Peter Petrelli"!
You are the most powerful hero there is, which is cool because you're also nice, smart, and good looking. Damn you. Ever the reluctant protagonist, you play a perfect foil to the show's villain. And your awful family. Who you of course love anyway because you're that darn heroic.

What Colour Lip Gloss Should You Wear?

You Should Wear Mauve Lip Gloss - Smart, polished, and pretty.

Ok ok thats about it for now..

NOW I'm really sleepy...

Didn't hear from Glash at all today

Guess she's too busy with stuff..

Toodles

2008-06-08T17:44:00.003+08:00

This is what my horoscope says for today..

Patricia,As far as you're concerned, the smaller details are there for other people to worry about. Today, you are faced with endless possibilities for new beginnings. This may be the chance you have been waiting for to uproot yourself and start over. You are the center of attention and that is exactly where you want to be.

I'm pleasantly surprised..coz that's exactly how I have been feeling for the past 24hrs..hmm

I'm gonna miss Latsy
It feels like ages since I heard her voice
Oh wait...
Actually it HAS been ages..
It's just not the same communicating via sms all the time
Doesn't feel real..
I'm trying to recall the last time that we actually shared a joke together.
The thing is..it's been so long that I can't even remember when our last conversation was..
Anyways if you are reading this post my dear Twinny..
I know you're gonna be away for just a few days but it's gonna seem like an eternity
& don't you dare think that no one cares,coz I do ok!!!
No matter what happens,you'll do just fine.

Listening to Glash as I type this..
Yakking away some gibberish about the Jonas Brothers or something
*shrugs*
We all have our own personal heroes I guess..
Just like my Frusciante obsession..hahaha..
Sanjit commented that the name Frusciante reminds him of some tuna thingy at Delifrance.
Yummy.
I don't mind..I luuurrvvveeee tuna
Speaking of which I have to start planning for mummy's birthday celebration on the 17th..
I have some great finger food ideas & maybe it would be best to try them out on my family members first..hehehe..watch out Glash!!!
I have yet to get mummy anything..well I always end up getting her presents late coz that's the only way I can keep it out of her sight..I have loads of gift ideas in my mind but knowing that she is a practical person I have to make sure that I get her something essential.
Hmmmm.
The job hunting is still on & at the same time contemplating about furthering my studies..I mean it seems to be the perfect time now..just need to ponder on it a little while more..
Gonna have my shower now,heading out with the mumster later..
Oooohh talking about shower..I just remembered reading about this factory fire in Woodlands & apparently the drains & canals @ Sungei Sembawang have been polluted because some of the contaminated fire-fighting water have been discharged into them..and these are the canals that lead to the beach..that's Sembawang Park ok..so for those of you who like to hang out there please try to avoid the waters..
On the other hand I do know of a certain person who frequents that area...and all I wanna say to her is..go on..take a dip!!It might do wonders for your face!
Then again..you might just ADD to the pollution.

Oh patricia..touche!

2008-06-08T01:20:00.005+08:00

Had an incredibly busy week..
It felt good to have my mind fully occupied
It didn't feel so good to be constantly on edge dreading potential job errors
Needless to say,my funky ''peppers'' kept me going from morning to night each day
Listening to their songs really makes me feel super good inside..
Well..
I had a good job offer from the GM of the place I was helping out at.
I listened carefully..and I knew that it would have been so sensible to just grab the offer happily yet..something was stopping me.
I just felt that..looking around me..at the tired & angry faces..staring blankly at the millions of cargo details & invoices..this was not the place for me..
So I told him..in a very indirect polite way that I had other plans & thanked him for taking the time off his busy schedule to talk to me..
He seemed a little taken aback but told me that he could tell,based on our chat,that I was someone who woule be able to shine in the hospitality/tourism industry.
I was surprised..coz this was exactly what I had been pondering over myself for the past few months.
Needless to say my family weren't too happy with the way I had handled that situation,but frankly I don't give a damn..c'mon it's my life & I want to do something with it..not just get stuck on the wall forever.
So I made a couple of new friends,learnt alot of interesting stuff about the shipping line & best of all completed the whole stint without any trouble!!hahaha..
So on my final day,which was yesterday,I was pretty much relaxed.Mary came back from a short trip to M'sia & we decided to meet up after work for dinner..she waited for me at Tg Pagar MRT & we took a train down to Yishun..where Koko also planned to join us..
Went for dinner..I just had a burger & ice water..DIET remember?
In fact even the burger was a big no-no but what the hell..
Then I just craved for the Hershey's pie so Mary got me one of those..
I felt guilty but hey..it had been ages ok..
By the time Koko joined us we were done eating..and we moved on to out familiar coffeeshop haunt at Blk 925..we caught up on gossip & laughed like crazy asses..before finally making our way home..
It was close to 11pm by the time I got home..and I really felt tired..as I had been the past few days..I guess its the long walk to & fro in Tg Pagar..really gave my legs a good workout!!

Another thing is..
After a long time..I feel inspired.
As in really,realllly inspired.
As I was telling Glash earlier..
we all think about stuff when we listen to our favourite songs..
Most of the time..its about people close to our hearts..
Memories..that can bring out a smile..
Memories..that can draw out a tear..
Somehow..as I have been mentioning of late..
I find myself strangely drawn to Frusciante
Enjoyed it at first..thinking that this was just gonna be another passing cloud for me
True the band itself had been a long time favourite..
yet these past few weeks..
I have been addicted to his solo songs..
I don't know how to put it..
I guess its just best described as..inspiration
I don't know..why..but I find so much beauty in that man
Maybe its coz of his past?
I don't know!
The pure simplicity of the man VS his complex music?
I don't know!
All I know is that when I listen to John Frusciante,I forget about my broken heart,I forget about feeling lonely,I forget about anger,hate,pain..everything..all I feel is this sudden awareness of MYSELF.
It's a very beautiful feeling..it's like all my feelings get gently wrapped up in a light shimmery pearly satin soft cloth and I just wanna hug myself & forget everything..just wanna wrap myself up in that soft cocoon of lightness..so surreal..so magical..so everything I ever really wanted...
I don't expect people to understand what I'm talking about..
If you don't get it..really ..it's not my loss..
Well..I'm gonna talk to Glash for a while then hit the sack..
Where I know I'll be dreaming even before I fall asleep..
Listening to Ramparts..or Falling..or maybe Strip My Mind.
Music.
Love may betray me,music never will.

2008-06-03T23:31:00.002+08:00

With these bare hands

I pull you out..

my fear

I pull you

out out out & away

Away with the fear

Fill me with strength

With these bare hands

I drag you out...

I batter you into the ground

I dare you to try & intimidate me

my insecurity

Off with my damned insecurity

Fill me with hope

Let me prove to the world

That I am not as weak as they think I am

Don't they see?

I was destined..

I am destined for greater things

The wanton glamour of this world brings me no joy

What I want..

No money can ever procure

No man can ever satisfy

This passion..this energy..

I can't let it die within me.

One day..no matter how late

I'll get a chance to prove my worth

Then..the world will know me

For who I truly am

patricia remold

2008-06-03T23:09:00.002+08:00

Ermm.

Hullo people.

Had a rather complicated day.

Barely ate or spoke much.

Feeling troubled about work.

It's not easy to be a blur greenhorn after spending years coaching other greenhorns.

Sigh.

At my current place,the shortest,simplest,random gesture & a few hurriedly strung together instructions in barely understandable Singlish is all the coaching I get.

It not only irritates the hell outta me..it makes me pretty much nervous to even attempt anything..and I feel so stupid..I long to point my finger into HIS stupid sissy face & command him to spend half an hour to thoroughly TEACH ME so that I can give him quality work for the rest of the week.

I WISH I COULD..AND I WOULD IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT I'M DOING THIS AS A FAVOUR FOR SOMEONE.

Of all the times,my right eye has swelled up bloody red again..it was horrendous..I felt a sharp jabbing pain yesterday and when I went for lunch,my aunt was shocked that my eye had suddenly turned bloodshot.

There was nothing I could do.I didn't bring along my lens container,and I didn't bring my specs.

I dunno how I survived through the mountains of invoices for the next 5-6 hours..all I knew was that I had to get rid of my lens asap!!

Agony..agony..agony.

Today my eye is still battered and red.

Not only that,it stung like bad when I made sudden pupil movements.

It just added to my confusion & disorientation..

Which may perhaps have made that shithead think that I was blur & slow..

When in fact I was trying to be very careful

I have nothing to say la.

Just took a long slow walk home,dreading tomorrow.

Yeah I could easily say.." U nvr teach me what!I'm new!!"

Yet I know that I would not..my years of customer service training has taught me that such excuses are..not helpful at all.

The thing is..I DO WANNA KNOW.

This is what you get when people work ONLY for money & not becoz they love their jobs.

It's perfectly natural..I mean I sure as hell would not work for free...yet I'm shocked at the stony faces I see whenever I turn my head.Save for a couple of gals my age..the rest just stare back or look away.

Would you feel like asking people like that to repeat instructions again while you carefully jot down notes?

I'll stick to my promise,I'll hold on till Friday.

After that,no more of this place.

Not ever again.

So now I'm just gonna count down my days..

& thank my lucky stars this aint a permanent committment.

Too tired,to talk to anyone..

What's the point of explaining my situation?

The people around me are too busy to listen or understand..and people who used to encourage me now just tend to brush off my words.

Haha.

What a sweet life I lead.

Sweet..no no..

Bittersweet 27

2008-06-01T04:22:00.005+08:00

Met up with Glash on Friday as planned

Woke up super goddamned early coz I didn't wanna be late

I was in fact running a mild temperature the previous day

It had seemed to worsen in the morning but I just ignored it

I COULD NOT LET GLASH DOWN!!!

As much as I busied myself bustling around the house getting ready,

my inner self just wanted to crawl back under the blanket & rest my hot forehead on my pillows I ended up BOOKING for a cab haha..

Somehow..I did not quite feel like taking the MRT+BUS ride to Jurong West

One reason was coz I felt ill..another was coz my mp3 player wasn't with me =(

So yeah..by the time I was in Glash's house chit chatting with Aunty I felt much better

We headed to City Hall..haha my "ex" working area..and somehow I dunno why

That place reminded me of someone

Silly me.

Shopped around..yeah sales were brisk..

While I found shopping at places like Robinsons ,Dorothy Perkins,Topshop,River Island

REALLLLY worth it..

some shops..reallllly sucked big time..BIG BIG time.

For example @ the Esprit outlet..pretty NORMAL cotton tshirts with some RANDOM very photoshoppy designs were selling from $40 - $75!! You call that ON SALE?

Hellllooo...COTTON TSHIRT $75??

Normal lightweight cropped jackets..$85 onwards??

I'm no miser & if I love something I usually would not think twice about getting it but this was plain fking stupid..

The only things $30 and/or below were the very thin material like t-shirts..random stripped tees..in unbelievably FUGLY colours..nothing in there made me go WOW..except for the price tags..you can get those at THIS Fashion for ..8 bucks I think?

Great Spore Ripoff la...

The other place was Marks & Spencers'..

Now this place I can understand the higher price tags..coz of the quality you can get...what I was totally put off by..were the goods on display.

Please permit me to use this word again..

F-U-G-L-Y

totally revolting.

I felt like I was walking through a maze of never ending HORIZONTAL stripes

Pale yellow stripes.

Pale pink stripes.

Yellow tops with shocking green prints.

Excuse me..I had to stare incredulously at that one.

There was ONLY one top that I really liked..and this was a design that had been hanging in all their other outlets as well since ..January I think?From $98 to $70 and now to $40..which was super cheap!!I was seriously thinking of getting 2 of that top..one in black as well as white but by the time we walked twice around the store,I was too nauseated to bother much that too.

I wondered...

They cater to people of a wide range of body sizes..

As in from Asian to Caucasion right?

Then why are the designs ALWAYS in horizontal stripes?

Do they not realize that this only makes BIG people look even BIGGER?

AND shorter?

Would it kill them to design something in more flattering shades,rather than plain old white..cream..yellow..dirty green..beige??

I have been dieting & grumbling & whining but I'm thankful that I do not have to resort to depending on places like these...

that obviously cater mostly to the Caucasion tourists..most of whom are just glad that they can get their hands on something to wear in this tiny tropical island!

Needless to say,Glash and I made a frenzied exit..

I guess I'll just stick to the outlet at Paragon..so much more sophisticated & chic.

Ok ok enough about that..anyways I did get a few gorgeous tops & Glash got the pant shorts,top & gold belt that she absolutely loved..I'm such a a lovely cousin ahhh..ahem ahem..

Guess due to my exhaustion,had my calf muscles pulling up several times..

Really made me lose my mood for further shopping..

We were so busy shopping we didn't even take our usual random photos!!

By the way before I go..just wanna apologize to all who were unable to get me thru Friendster or my Hp.. Friendster was down for 24hrs & my hp seems permenantly mental..I can see the alert that I have new messages but unable to retrieve them.

Haiz..

2008-05-28T09:26:00.004+08:00

One..two..three..four..

Ready to start a new hour..

Seize the day they say but I feel too sluggish

Was up early on account of having slept around 10.30pm last night

Was chatting with Glash on my bed on the cordless & making plans for

our shopping trip on Friday..seriously ANYTHING to just get our minds off the unbelievably crappy time we've been having.. Glash was supposed to return a call to one of her pals and told me she'd call me soon..Warned her I might doze off..since I was feeling a tad drained..all I remember is sending a good night sms to Sanjit then ..thats it..the next I opened my eyes was around 2am..I glanced at my hp saw some missed calls,some new smses..and fell asleep again.. after which had strange dreams..really totally stupid dreams..which made me wake up at 5am again..I then thought..hell a few minutes more..it's been ages since I had proper sleep anyways..hence it came to be that I finally woke up at 6.45am feeling sore & a little bit angry.

Why?

Hahaha coz I am the type of person who feels very fresh & alert if I could have 5-6hours of sleep ..but if I were to sleep any longer than that..I wake up feeling tired..why?I dunno

It's always been like that.

So the moment I got up I started thinking about him & remembered certain stuff and that just made me more pissed..I dunno I dunno ...one day I'm all glowy and sunshiney and the next I'm all fked up...

Started replying to smses..sori Glasssssshhhhhh didn't reply you back coz I know u'd be asleep..

Was msging Koko and she was..well in her own words,rotting at work..doing night shift & bored as hell coz she was on standby duty..I miss her la..its been some time since I met her and had a good chat..she then asked about how certain stuff were going on in my life..and was curious to know if I had lost anymore weight..

well informed her that the diet was going on smoothly..some minor hiccups here and there but overall pretty good..but the other stuff in my life..as in r/ship wise..was on the rocks.She was surprised..I was kinda surprised at myself too coz usually I try not to talk so much about it..and not in such negative terms anyways..but I guess I had to start saying it out more often..in order to deal with it..

K: why da what happen?Aren't you guys making an effort to work things out?

P: there's nothing more to make an effort on.his mind is made up

K:then don't bother gal.make ur heart hard.u will be fine eventually.thank God it wasn't anything more..

P:I duno da..I can't seem to..not now..not for this thing..I have poured my heart out & voiced my thoughts..but I guess he's too hurt & has given up hope on me..us.let's not talk abt this dear..I think I'm gonna cry...

K:Hmmph.Men!!!

P:Yeah,men.Only a miracle can help me now..its too soon for me to move on..

K:Whatever it is..rembr that when God takes away something,he will replace it..won't leave it empty.

P:...................

K:I can see that you really want this.Hope the best happens 4 u da...

Thanks gal..I know what you mean but..

damn bloody hell..why can't I just bloody hell move on!!!

what the hell is wrong with me!!

why am I so obstinate!!

why am I still clinging on to hopes & dreams that will never be fulifilled!!

why am I still defending you even as you're breaking me?

why...

I want my old strength back,my old never say die attitude back..

Yet it seems that everything good I had seem to have packed up & left together with YOU!!

Is it possible to hate someone so bad & love him fiercely at the same time?

Why am I so wrecked up with emotions when I'm not a loved one to him anymore!!!

Damn you!!

2008-05-27T08:18:00.005+08:00

Morning Glory darlings..

Slept early and woke up fresh this morning

Been up and doing chores since then

Just relaxing and sipping chilled guava juice..2 hrs to go before I head out again

Sometimes I think too much..

but actually I don't know why people think that is actually bad?

Thinking is good and bad..

It depends doesn't it?

If you have bad thoughts all the time then well..you need help.

Wanna know what goes thru my mind most of the time?

Well..how shall I put it..

My mind is rarely blank

Rarely.

Even when I'm told to empty my mind..

It turns into this blackboard & there's a chalk that writes..

CLEAR UR MIND CLEAR UR MIND CLEAR UR MIND

HEY LOOK AT MEEEE!!

hahaha..and that's just a simple explanation

Most of the time..

I think about people..and what THEY could be thinking

I think about loved ones..and wonder what makes us click

I think about enemies..and wonder how it's all gonna be

I think alot about music..guitars..musicians..

When I think of music..

I think of my favourite guitar tunes

Which then make me think of..

Bright bright blue skies

Explosions of beautiful colours

Flowing silvers of rapid waters

Beauty

The beauty of an angelic face?

Maybe so

The beauty in the scars of a man,

a survivor of battles..

where each scar tells a story?

The beauty of a new born child

The beauty of a sinner repented

The miracle of love

Sigh..

Even as there is a bittersweet tinge in my heart

Even as I bow my head down,and clasp a hand to the frenzied beating of my heart

Even as I know..that at this very moment..I'm probably not on his mind,as he is in mine..

It does not stop me from dreaming about him

Is there any place in this world..

For people like me?

In this world that is rapidly blackening..

Man abuses Mother Earth..Mother Earth retaliates..

I dream because the world is not as beautiful when I open my eyes..

Why would I wanna look at something that only makes me wanna cry?

Then again..

I think of people that make me cry.

You may laugh at me..

The laughter that rings out and echoes hollowly

I would smile back at you..

The smile that blossoms from the heart of my hearts

How simple is it really?

How complicated is it really?

Am I making any sense?

Does it really matter?

Your education earns you big bucks & respect

Does it answer the deepest questions in your innermost being?

Does it satisfy..your soul?

See..

Just in this post..just in this past 3 minutes..

These are the random thoughts filtering in and out of my mind..

The mind is a beautiful thing..

Allow it to roam free & explore

Capture the essence of whatever makes you smile

We need that so bad.

Now as I listen to Desecration Smile

and sip on my not so chilled juice *yuck*

I'm thinking of Frusciante's eyes..

The sparkle that connects man to guitar

and yes..I can tell you that at the moment..

Screw my broken heart..

Screw the ankle pain..

Screw my sadness..

At the moment..

I'm alive &

the aura around me is glowing..shining..shimmering..

my soul is smiling.

Have a good day ahead loves.

2008-05-26T18:22:00.003+08:00

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Comet tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Come tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
All in a rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start...

Coldplay- The Scientist

2008-05-26T16:32:00.003+08:00

Been meaning to blog the past coupla days but was too busy

Well..now that I'm finally here..

I sorta can't really remember what I wanted to say??

Had a pretty lame weekend..busy busy busy..

Was hanging on the line with Glash for freaking 8 hours last Saturday!!

Oh man.

Hahaha both of us were pretty much mood out that day..

Needless to say tensions were high & tempers were on the verge of flaring up

Thankfully things didn't go that far

I guess the reason why we still continued the strange conversation..was coz we just needed someone to be there..I mean..that was what I felt at that time I guess

Sunday was even worse..

I woke up feeling very disturbed..

I had a slightly unpleasant experience in the middle of the night

and for the life of me,

could not remember if it really happened or if it was just some nasty nightmare..

At the same time I felt really down & lonely & oh damn

I dunno

I spend the whole week keeping myself busy & I even manage to convince myself at times that I'm not down..then wham! comes the weekend and suddenly I have all sorts of longings,hopes,memories and then finally the ultimate sense of nothingness.

Which led to a solitary tear running down my cheek even before I had got out of bed.

Admonishing myself I angrily wiped away the tear and got out of bed before I really started crying!!

arrrggghh

I'm sorry people..I have not been answering many calls/smses lately either because my hp is screwed up sometimes/im just too busy/im just too emo to talk/reply

So please forgive me..

I do try my best to at least reply to smses..

but do not take it personally if I'm not available to talk..

I just need some time alone I guess..

I do try to be there for you guys as much as I can ..

sometimes though I just can't take it..

I'm seriously happy if anyone of you guys are having a good time,

or I dunno la..just having fun n all..

but I'm just not in the mood to listen to happy tales..

pardon me for being so frank..

just that I have been acting and acting and acting for so freaking long..

trying to joke trying to laugh trying to share the enthusiasm with friends and all..

but please..TIME OUT..

coz i'm also thinking of my own problems 24/7..

and I can't handle more situations..not now anyways..

I don't wanna seem cold or anything..

Just that sometimes I act so much in front of everyone,

and it's only when the lights have gone out that the tears start falling

I can't possibly explain to anyone much about my situation,

Coz I already KNOW what's the kinda advice I'm gonna get..

and seriously..I've dished out that kinda advice to others before

and now I know that it's easier said than done..

I rather not hear them again.

I feel angry & ashamed of myself at times..

Angry coz I am still thinking & hoping & wishing

Ashamed when I think..

OMG what have I become?

I have always been happy go lucky & took everything with a pinch of salt.

Now thanks to him,

I don't feel as if I could sincerely feel happy again

Yeah yeah roll your eyes..

Go tsk tsk at me..

I don't care

I know how much of trust & faith I kept in this thing..

after a long time..

Now I am left with nothing

Why do I still wanna feel bad when the other party

has already made it crystal clear that he has no more faith in this..

and whatever reasons he gives..

I know ultimately all he is saying is

"NO"

2008-05-24T10:07:00.004+08:00

May seems to be passing by in a flash..

Wow..the mid year holidays are here already

The Great Singapore Sale has kicked off..

Maybe a touch of retail therapy would do wonders for me

Yeah yeah who am I kidding..

These days no mood to go shopping too =(

Well I really do not know what I have been doing..

I feel as if I'm taking up unnecessary space on Earth

Twinny is down & unwell again

No thanks to some people who repeatedly keep hurting her

Glash seems to be down as well..that's what I could gather from her tone of voice last evening

We still have not had the chance to talk coz I crashed early yesterday

Really feeling extremely drained these days..

OMG..

wtf is up with the weather!

I know its May..and June is just around the corner..but...

this heatwave is MADNESS I tell ya!!

I think I gulped down like 4 bottles of mineral water yesterday

Which is rather ALOT for me..

And whatever I drink..I just seem to perspire out easily!

I really pity those who have to go about their daily jobs outdoors.

On a much more personal note..

Well we finally sort of spoke

Somehow I guess we were just tired of being so hostile

On my side I just had no choice but to let you know what's exactly running thru my mind

I guess this is what happens when we do not speak out at the right time & bottle up our emotions for too long.

Way too long.

I know what you're going thru..and I never said it's your fault

So I just wish you'd stop blaming yourself.

I know that .. there is nothing I can do to convince you..but I hope

you understand that what I told you that day was sincerely from the bottom of my heart..

Times have been bad and for me..it's just worse coz you're not around

Nothing more for me to say..

I'm glad I had the chance to say what I really think/feel..

It's left me feeling lighter & calmer

The rest..is totally in your hands..

By the way I dunno what happened to my hit counter !

Arrrghh it shows just 1 hit!!

where's my 4 figure mass appeal!!!

Looks like I have to reset it.

Oh well..Twinny just came online..

Laterzzz

2008-05-21T20:04:00.002+08:00

It's harder than I imagined it would be

After all..have I not endured greater trials than these & stood up victorious?

Now I'm 27..definitely I'm stronger than before..right?

Apparently not.

I never thought that a small argument would blow into such a huge matter

I know there were things I never should have said in the first place but

Have you stopped to think..why I would have ever said them in the first place?

You used to.

You were always the calmer,logical one between us.

In a way..it was your total calmness that drove me mad at times.

Your lack of reaction..made me wanna do something,anything just to get you to talk

Even then,I felt guilty

This time you were not prepared to accept my apology

The coldness that you showed to the world,this time you showed to me

It hurt..it hurt like hell but somehow I just thought it would just pass us by

After all..we been through so much..this was nothing

We spoke..but like friends.

Cool..and with an edge of underlying tension

I was never forgiven.

It killed me.

The loneliness drove me almost insane

With no one to share my burden,I spent the weeks in pure frustration

I tried not to tell you that I missed you..

I tried not to tell you that with you gone,I have forgotten what it's like to dream & hope

It's been months now..

I feel your loathing towards me

It killed me to know that someone who once cared so much about me

Could suddenly not care at all

There were more problems.More fights.More volatile words hurled.

To think that all the times of happiness could be overshadowed by a small incident

I feel pain,pain so much pain because it's so unfair

Everything I did,I did it for us

I can't cry anymore it hurts that bad

I really can't bear to listen to everyone else's words of comfort

All I want is at least a shadow of your old self back

Why do you not see,that you have completely gone into the darkness now?

Please..please think carefully

This is not who you are.

2008-05-21T05:45:00.002+08:00

Facetious and abstemious are the only words that contain all the vowels in the correct order.

"Adcomsubordcomphibspac" is the longest acronym. It is a Navy term standing for Administrative Command, Amphibious Forces, Pacific Fleet Subordinate Command.

"Almost" is the longest commonly used word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson was the first video to air on MTV by a black artist.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

"Happy Birthday" was the first song to be performed in outer space, sung by the Apollo IX astronauts on March 8, 1969.

"The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

"Ough" can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.

111, 111, 111 X 111, 111, 111 = 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321

A 17 year old girl from Miami, Florida started to sneeze on 4th January'66 ant continued till 8th June'66.

A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are known as fingers.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

A cockroaches favorite food is the glue on the back of stamps.

A fish's memory span is 3 seconds.

A cucumber is 96% water.

99% of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as jack-o-lanterns.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

2008-05-19T07:07:00.004+08:00

What's the next best thing to having a baby sister of your own?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Having a baby COUSIN sister of your own la!!
hahahaha..
Had loads of fun at Glash's place yesterday
We were celebrating my uncle's birthday in advance
since it's the eve of Vesak Day..
Somehow no matter how much time we spend over at her place..
We always end up parting ways by sighing..

IN RELIEF..

hahaha ok ok no just kidding
Sighing coz time just passes by so fast when we have fun!

We never have enough time to do all the stuff that we usually wanna

Oh well..

Mum isn't as active as she used to be these days

She seems to get easily tired & often just seems to wanna go to bed

Well..I guess the recent bouts of sudden sickness

has really been taking its toll on her,overall

I wish my mum didn't have to work so hard

I feel so useless at times,

all these dark moments aren't helping me at all too

I didn't ask for anything much,

I cherished what I recieved unexpected

Now,just as suddenly,I have lost that joy

No words can ever describe my pain

No words of comfort can erase the tears that have flown

Not just from my eyes,but from my very heart.

Thinking about it now,I know that I will laugh & be happy,

Coz I deserve to smile too.

Yet..deep inside of me..

I know I'm just living for the sake of maybe another chance

Maybe just at least to be able to talk it all out for once

To know where I went wrong

Even a criminal condemned to death gets a final chance to repent & reconcile with God before he's hanged.

I guess,I'm seen as an even lower being.

That's why I have to endure this mental torture every single day.

Even as I talk,even as I tease,even as I argue

The only thing in my mind whenever I see your face or hear your voice is

WHY?

7AM and here I am..still wide awake & yakking away..

What a screwed up meaningless life

I better get going..the more I think about.....stuff..

the more my heart..no no..my head...no no..

actually my very SOUL seems to hurt.

ARGHHHH OK I KNOW ENOUGH RIGHT!!

CHILL I'M DONE WITH WHINING FOR NOW

Glash one day you should just crash over at my place..
We can totally have the house to ourselves..

we'll just chase the oldies out to work hahaha!

Don't worry I'll get Latsy to come & cook for us..

She's an expert at boiling water

HAPPY VESAK DAY Y'ALL!!

2008-05-17T12:57:00.003+08:00

I have been up since 2am last night doing random stuff..

Well its 1pm now so that means I have been on the computer for the past 11hrs!

As usual feeling the blues,but lets not discuss that..

I have given up on myself.

Anyways..just when I thot all my fave songs were only good for reducing me to tears..

I sort of went back to my roots..

To the guys who always used to make me dream.

Their music never failed to make me forget myself..

and drift to another space,another place

Who else but Anthony,John,Chad & Flea..the fantastic RHCP

Omg..who'd have thought my obsession with them would last erm..

what the past 16yrs??

Since I was 11 or 12..

So been spending the past 4-5hrs listening to ,and watching nothing else but the fantastic funky rocksters..and of course the solo instrumentals of the God-like John Frusciante..

I never realised all these years..that several of their songs actually touched on the topic of drugs..why,even Under The Bridge..which I have been happily singing since I was a 12 yr old..is about drugs..I guess you only notice the grim side of words when you're really down and out yourself..talking about DRUGSSSS..ahem ahem..im referring to someone here,and she knows who she is..I never ever bothered to check out the lyrics for Under The Bridge..coz c'mon its such an easy song..we just generally sing or yell or hum with it..and replace the words we don't know with something that sounds right..but somehow after reading the real lyrics..and watching the video at the same time..I feel that the song is not just a great rock anthem..there's a very strong message in it....well if you read carefully you'd realise what Anthony's singing about..

Well..that made me think of the REAL issues out there in the world..

and not just our own petty issues

There are alot of people who actually need to be saved..

No no no ..I'm not talking abt religions and all that..

DRUGS

Drugs give temporary happiness,permanent sorrows

Those who are lucky to be saved,

need all the love & respect they can get & not be rejected.

That would only send them back to the dark,

addictive clutches of the drugworld

2008-05-14T21:49:00.002+08:00

Arghhh I have been sooo soooo SICK!

I dunno what happened but yesterday morning I suddenly felt extremely drowsy

This was like around 6.30am..yeah even though I went to bed the night before & woke up at 2am..I dunno what happened to me..I told mummy that I'd be resting for a while..and I had simply no energy at all!

I woke up suddenly at 8am to find the house empty..sigh..as usual..and lay down for a while and contemplated if I should get up or just close my eyes and continue taking my well deserved rest..well..as usual,I could not do the latter knowing that I was all alone at home so I dragged myself out of bed..and it was only when I stood up that I realised the room was spinning around me..If I wasn't steady on my feet I'd have gone down crashing!

I somehow wobbled along to the kitchen coz my mouth felt dry and I felt waves of nausea wash over me.Damn damn damn damn..I was planning to have some breakfast but seriously all I wanted to do at that moment was crash back into bed..as usual at these times I always find myself alone at home!!!

I dunno how long I lay down in that position..felt so alone & miserable started smsing sanjit and whining away..as I expected,he gave me a sound earful for not taking proper care of my health in the first place..then I feebly mentioned that perhaps it had something to do with the ice cold milk I gulped down at 4am after wolfing down some grapes & a pear..he was like "WHAAAAT???aiiiiyoooo no wonder la!!how can your food digest like that?!!MILKKK?!!"

I sorta felt like an airhead coz I didn't get it..yeah I knew that what I was feeling was indeed the intense effects of indigestion,but I thought milk was good for me...yes or no??

Arrghh..when did they change the rules!!

So after another nice dose of well meaning lecture,he told me to try to eat something soupy..or something like that..I couldn't recall..I was just glad that I had another human being to hear my sorrows..then I hung up..and he called again to advise me on what to eat..and so I pushed myself up & tried to eat something light ..praying that the uneasiness would just fade away...I didn't wanna puke...arghh no no no!!Well..ended up that the moment I finished my food,the bouts of nausea came back.I armed myself with a plastic bag & lay down almost in tears.I know la I'm a real idiot but I hate to puke ok..and I was sad that I was alone..slowly the moment came..I knew that whatever was supposed to come out was gonna come out..and this was it..I composed myself,wiped my tears away..and held out the plastic bag just in time.

I puked..and puked ..and puked like there was no tomorrow.I was amazed coz I didn't even eat much in the first place so what the hell!!

Well..I was pretty much relieved after that.I was calmer and I felt better but alot weaker.I washed up & sipped some hot water then went back to lie down.I smsed sanjit and Glash called me & I told her I wasn't well,so there went our movie date..thanks for being so understanding gal.. well,then slept...slept ..slept..and didnt wake up till evening!

Even then was still having that very sickly feeling..heavy head,swollen eyelids,and slight temperature..arrrghhh...

HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DAY!!!

I'm glad that ordeal was over.

I still do feel a tad queasy now..but it's gonna be sometime before I take too kindly to cold milk again..

damn.

2008-05-13T04:43:00.001+08:00

Was too sleepy to update yesterday..yeah on account of having had barely 2 hours of sleep the night before!Sunday night,just as I was on the way home from Eve's place , I had a surprise message from Ravin,a friend whom I got to know on the net last year..It was a pleasant surprise indeed coz it had been ages since we been in touch..and ever since I changed my hp,I lost track of several contacts..well was replying to his smses all the way in the bus till I got home & later he called me around 2am..haha..and he told me so many ghost stories arrrghh..till I didn't dare to stand at my usual open window spot in the kitchen..we spoke till about 4am then I really had to go to bed..but in the morning when I opened my eyes the first thing I remembered were the scary tales I heard from our last conversation,plus the wonderful visuals in my mind from reading other horror stories earlier in the week..coupled with the fact that there was no one at home..I jumped right out of bed!!

Hahahaha..was drowsy the whole day & been feeling really low of late.My hp too has been behaving weirdly recently..switching on & off on its own accord,and once it does that,I'm unable to open new messages or send outgoing ones..I can't describe the amount of irritation I had..and still have..over this seemingly trivial issue.Sigh.The same old feeling of helplessness keeps coming back to haunt me no matter how much I try to make believe that I'm super fine.I guess coz I'm already so tensed inside,little issues like this hp matter cause me to flare up easily.After a very early & light dinner,I turned in around 9pm.Fatigue made me fall asleep almost instantly even though the living room was pretty noisy.

Woke up around 2am..and been awake since then.As I lay there in the dark listening to the silence in my house,I felt truly alone.What kind of a person am I?I retreat when there is activity in the house,and emerge when all have gone to bed.I tried to ignore the tight knot in my throat..I was not gonna cry!Got out of bed & walked to the living room like a zombie. Felt kinda hungry but resisted the temptation to snack on something sweet & went for some grapes instead..came online and saw that Daniel was in here so had some company..sent him some songs & was listening to some acoustic guitar tracks on YouTube.. still hungry so drank some milk haha now I'm fine.

I dunno how the rest of the day is gonna turn out..I do feel a little sleepy now that I have drank the milk..perhaps I ought to catch up on more sleep..after all I barely had sufficient rest again..listening to my good pals,Red Hot Chili Peppers..no matter how much I love the other bands,nothing brings me back to my teenage years like RHCP.Just looking at John Frusciante play his guitar brings a little happiness to my heart for now..and honestly..isn't that what we all need at times??

Just a little happiness..so little to ask for yet so hard to recieve.

2008-05-11T05:22:00.003+08:00

IT'S MOTHER'S DAY!!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mummies out there!!!

You ladies rock!!!

Happy Birthday Aunty Shirley!!!!

Happy Birthday Twinny Latsy!!!!

You ladies SUPER rock!!!

Had so much fun last night at Glash's place..

Even Jaryl's best buddies popped in for the celebration

Glash & I spent some quality ''NUTELLA'' time together in private..

until we were rudely interrupted!!

Hahaha come to think of it,I guess it was a good thing we were interrupted..

Or else we would have sat on the floor of Glash's study room happily licking our spoons clean of the liquid gold..hahhahaaha..

Glash & I plan to meet up on Tuesday..perhaps for a movie or something..

Hopefully that plan works out..

Oh man..I'm so tired..

Alot of stuff has been happening..

I've just not been mentioning much coz I've been tryin to ignore the emotions that keep threatening to overcome me..

It's perfectly futile to wait for someone who will never ever come back to your life again..right?

Yet,somehow we keep praying,hoping..

I feel so foolish..yet I can't seem to be able to let go.

It has just started raining super heavily..

Suddenly I feel like breaking into tears but I'm controlling myself..

Coz in the end..

Even when I cry

I am all alone.

The only thing that soothes my mind & heart these days are the soothing strains of the guitar

Been calming my soul by listening to some great rock instrumentals

I happen to be stuck on this Incubus song lately..

"11am"..it just speaks to me.

Arghh my head hurts now..

Look at the freaking time

I'm gonna get some shut eye..

Feel like going low profile for a while

Talking to certain people & realizing that my feelings don't matter to them..

really hurts..

Yet I do not have the freedom to speak.

If I hear the sentence..

"What do you want exactly,Pat?"

one more time...

I'm just gonna freaking breakdown!

Au Revoir

2008-05-09T14:35:00.006+08:00

Been feeling rather uneasy & queasy of late..

mood swings,irrational feelings of extreme isolation..

Don't ask..it's a woman thing..

I THINK!

hahaha anyways came across this site while I was browsing thru

for some low blood pressure relief tips..called "The Doctors Book of Home Remedies II"

it actually has an alphabetical order of ailments & some helpful tips,& signs that tell you when you should actually be consulting your doctor..so do try to pop in at http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/Books/48/133.cfm

Refer to the left hand side of the page for the various ailments.

Be sure to save this link ..it may come in handy!

Oh and since it's titled as a Part 2 I guess there is a Part 1 too..

Arghh too lazy to check that out!

So ..this Sunday is a very,very,very special day

May 11th is Mothers' Day!

What have you people gotten your mumsies eh?

Over here I guess I'm gonna have to do a last minute dash to the shops again..

It happens every year..

I'm so busy thinking about what to get my aunts that I forget my own mum!

She can't blame me though..

I inherited this characteristic from her!

May 11th is special bcoz it also happens to be the birthdays

of two very special people in my life..

One is my dear Aunty Shirley,

the only elder person in my family that I can really

talk my heart out to & trust completely

I look up to her alot & really consider her as an inspiration in my life

Another is my dear Latsy aka Twinny!!

A person that I got to know late in my life,

but now she's one of the people I simply

HAVE to communicate with every single day!

So just imagine..

2 very special people in my life,

same birthday,similiar characteristics,

both insanely gorgeous,both equally angelic

Am I lucky or what?!!

Maybe its the Virgo+Taurus combi hehehe

So anyways..will be heading over to Glash's place tomorrow

We'll be having a pre-birthday party celebration for Aunty Shirley,

since Sunday is just too inconvenient for everyone..

Well..so that's my plan for tomorrow,

the girls did wanna meet up tomorrow to catch a movie or something

but I'm gonna have to give that a miss..

by the way,

dear sanjit sent me the photos he took for us a couple of weeks back

@ Orchard ..thank u cookie!!

I'm just gonna put my fave one up here..

hahaha..we look so bright & cheery

Arghh you can see my fats since I was happily slouching way down in my seat!!

2008-05-08T00:52:00.002+08:00

Wednesday went by in the same old fashion ..

Life's so simple these days..I find myself barely bothering to think much..

It's funny how sometimes you crack your head thinking your problems are so complicated..

Yet when you relax and let things take their natural course..somehow things start solving themselves!

Of course this is my opinion..you don't have to agree with me hahah..but then,you could give it a try..right?

Well as I mentioned the day before,I went to the library to get some books and happened to come across these 2 books...which looked like local/asian publications..true enough they turned out to be horror stories written by a Malaysian writer...can't recall the name..one was simply titled,"Pontianak'' and the other was "Hantu" ...it had been a long time since I read this kinda stuff..so I thought what the hell..& borrowed the books.

I thought it was gonna be the same old random kinda books we have all come across before..short horror stories in somewhat bad English..but the first book I picked up was kinda interesting..

"Pontianak" actually was more like the writer's personal account of stories he had picked up from his friends over the years,and the cute part is..they even had survival tips & protection tips against these creatures of the night..the book may be titled ''Pontianak'' but besides it being the commonly feared..it went on to showcase the others,like the Hantu Raya,Pochong(Hantu Bungkus)& Jinns..the writer even provided some amusing tidbits about certain ghouls..I'm sure we wouldn't be laughing if we ever come face to face with one of the erm..creatures..but it certainly helped lighten the mood while reading!

Very interesting!

Yes..the English was not that fantastic,but it was passable & smooth to read..so for the first time in many nights I found myself staying up to flip page after page..to read about these very life like accounts..what I also liked about the book was the way the writer chose to tell his stories in a first person narrative..it made me wanna really keep listening to what else he had to say..

Well I'm sure some of you might be tsk tsking about the scattering of unholy names in this post..but c'mon lah..don't be so superstitious..it's always good to know what you're up against even if you don't necessarily wanna believe,right?

I wanted to post up some of the tips in here..but maybe I'll do that some other day..it's already past 1am and I wanna do more reading before it gets too late...erm..NOT THAT I'M SCARED ..I just wanna sleep early..hmph..

We will talk more about this topic..for those of you who are into this kinda stuff,I'm sure you'd find the tips useful,and for those of you who really don't believe in any of these creatures..that's perfectly fine..just remember..as long as there is good,there is evil..and evil takes on many,many forms.It would never hurt for one to be a little knowledgable in these things.

That's all for tonight darlings..

Au Revoir

2008-05-06T19:18:00.003+08:00

Went down to the library today after such a long time

yeah..

*rolls eyes*

I had a fine of 6 bucks that I had to settle too

So I thought might as well get it done today..

Oh yeah before I forget..

IT'S MAY 6th TODAY!!

It's a very special day bcoz it's on this very day in 2006,that I met my wonderful cousin sis GLASHRYL for the first time..

sooooooo I just wanna say

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY GAL!!!

where's my present ahh?!!!

hahahaha..

it's a looooong story but it's one that we talk about sometimes..

Alot of stuff happened and I can honestly say our lives have never been the same since then..

hey hey..I meant that in a GOOD way ok..LoL

Furthermore May 6 2006 was also the first time I officially voted in a General Election..so it was a very exciting day for me..in the morning it was my first time voting,and in the afternoon,first time seeing Glash!!Of course..it was also the first time that I saw Aunty Shirley too after so many many years..and my only regret is that I wish we had all reunited a looong time back!!

Oh well..better late than never =)

It's been a strange day..

Have anyone of you ever felt completely suffocated..as in mentally?

Like nothing really happened,

and you're just aimlessly strolling through your days &

one fine day suddenly alot of thoughts suddenly scream for attention in your minds?

You panic & try to hit the refresh button but nothing happens and you

just try to escape from the crowds around you..

just to get more breathing space..

and to try to focus?

It happened to me today..

I was..quite literally content..

then suddenly,there was this blankness as I walked up & down the library aisles..

by the time I exited with my books there was this very

low vibe throbbing sensation in my head..

I was smsing Sanjit & he told me I needed to unwind..

That's when I was like..yeah..

I guess so..

I don't know why it happened..I'm better now but..I hope it doesn't happen again..

Coz I don't really know how to explain my thoughts to people around me..and I really feel like I'm headed for a complete meltdown at times..

Gosh..

I scare myself sometimes..honestly

2008-05-05T19:45:00.002+08:00

After so much of negativity going around,it's heartwarming to know that there is still some good left in this world..and that there are people who really care about the welfare of strangers..

HANOI (AFP) - - Vietnamese toddler Phung Thien Nhan, not yet two years old, is a born survivor whose horrific story and cheeky smile have touched hearts and drawn offers of support from across the nation.

Many people here remember reading about Nhan in newspapers back in 2006 after he was abandoned after birth by his teenage mother in a remote and poor central mountain area.
Dumped outside the family shack and left to die, hidden under papaya leaves and bamboo, the newborn was mauled by a wild animal, most likely a dog, that chewed off his right leg and badly savaged his groin.
Villagers found the boy, his pale and bloodied body crawling with ants.
By the time he was taken by motorcycle to the nearest hospital, 72 hours had passed and yet, miraculously, the child survived.
Hospital staff amputated his leg at the hip and stabilised his condition, and visiting Buddhist monks named him Thien Nhan or "good person".

After two months local authorities, inexplicably, sent him back to his family, into the care of his grandparents.
The case disappeared from the news. Many people presumed the boy had died.
But Tran Mai Anh, a 35-year-old Hanoi journalist, couldn't stop thinking about Nhan, tormented at night by visions of what had become of him.
Her worst fears would turn out to be true.
When, after months of research, she tracked him down in December in his family hut, he was badly neglected, dirty, anaemic and suffering diarrhea.
She took him to a medical centre and, a month ago, adopted him, together with her husband and fellow journalist Phung Quang Nghinh.
They took him back to Hanoi, where Nhan was treated for free at the French-Vietnamese hospital.
VietCot, a German-funded charity, hand-crafted a prosthetic leg, urgently needed to stop further damage to Nhan's body -- the first of many that he will need as he grows.
His adoptive parents have contacted international hospitals about the plastic surgery and hormone therapy Nhan will need to lead a normal life.
News quickly spread in the media, on Internet forums and in offices.
Many hundreds emailed and visited the family house in Hanoi's Old Quarter, bringing toys, baby clothes and their own children to play with Nhan.
"Many people came just to have a look because they couldn't believe he was alive," said Mai Anh. "Everyone is offering to help. I didn't know there are so many good people.
"One old woman from the countryside came and insisted on giving us the little money she could spare. She wanted to see Nhan before her eye operation, in case something happened and she couldn't see him afterwards."
Friends set up an online diary at http://www.help-thien-nhan.blogspot.com/ and an account for donations to help cover the child's surgery and therapy bills, expected to run into the tens of thousands of dollars.
At first Nhan hid in corners, cried and only slept sitting up.
"He ate bananas and cold rice, that's all he knew," said Mai Anh. "He didn't know what toys were, they were meaningless to him. We put him in front of the TV, but it seemed like the television set was invisible to him."
After a month with his new family, Nhan was cheerfully greeting visitors this week, playing with toys, and swaying on his new leg to the tune of his new big brother Minh, 8, playing the piano.
"His emotions still change, but he's so much happier," said Mai Anh. "Now he eats everything," she added with mock exasperation. "He's getting fat!"

2008-05-05T02:26:00.004+08:00

Went to watch Ironman on Saturday with Mary,Debra & Sanjit..
It was all like a last minute sorta plan actually but somehow we managed to make it..
What can I say..NO REGRETS watching the movie at all!!
Like I said before,one of the main reasons I was hyped up about the film was coz Robert Downey Jr was gonna play the lead role of Ironman..and I still say now..he pulled it off superbly..
Such subtle expert acting..why..it doesn't even feel like he's acting at all..that's how natural he was..then again..its the notorious yet lovable RDJ we're talking about..hehehe..
We had a good time watching the movie,there were several hilarious moments in the movie..great visual effects..and great soundtrack of course..our only gripes were that we got one of the smallest halls in GV Yishun and the seats were so damn cramped..Sanjit,who had travelled all the way to catch the movie with us at Yishun was grumbling about it for a while..haha I don't blame him...next to us,Mary & Debz were in their own world,discussing the movie in hushed theatrical whispers..
After the movie,Mary & myself being the ever caring,and considerate Yishunites,made sure Debz & Sanjit got onto their respective cabs before we took a slow walk back to our block of flats..
So yeah Saturday night went on pretty much fine..simple but fun..
In the daytime..I was in a horrificly downcast mood..
I opened up my Photoshop and began doing all sorts of stuff..
I dunno why but I love photo manipulations..
Especially of myself..
Which is why you'd always find several of my photos in strange,almost dark like settings..
Others find them eerie...to me that is peace & comfort..
So on that moody Saturday morning I sat at the computer..
and after a whole lot of discarded ideas & stuff..
came up with this..

It took me 2hrs..not because it was super difficult or anything...nah..

it's because the photo that I had taken was somewhat of a cheery one..

A nice bright one,with lots of colours & sunlight..

It took me quite some time to decide to destroy the colours completely & after that the rest just came easily..for those of you who don't get it..its reallly OK..don't bother...

This is how I felt that day at that point of time,and this is the final result of my attempt to portray my feelings visually...

That's it.

Not TRYING to be daaaark,or gothic,or emo here,in fact I used some really pretty sparkles in here to enhance the beauty of the coldness...so yeah..I am never interested in what others think they MIGHT know of me..hahaha..coz the truth is..no one does..but don't ASSUME and TALK ok?The later part of the day I actually felt better coz I started to listen to the old MJ tracks that I loved so much back then as a teenager..and watching some of the videos,which I had watched as a lonely,anti-social, teenager..really..shook me out of my sombre mood..I remembered the days when nothing but music mattered to me..and it was all abt MJ..in fact it's bcoz of his diverse range of talents,that I actually branched out easily into the other genres of music..so MJ was pretty much the reason for my salvation on Saturday hahahaaha!

Sunday was pretty much uneventful..I woke up at 8.30am and I can't even recall what I did..I remember having a bit of breakfast then heading to the computer..I tell you..I have been on the computer for at least 12-15hrs each day without fail for the past 3 weels..it's really bad..but I just don't feel like talking much to anyone about anything..I'm hurt enough..I don't wanna be trying to force myself to act on top of all that..

Volunteered to prepare lunch while mum rested..then spent time doing the cleaning up,washing up etc etc..by the time I went to take a well deserved looong shower my body was aching..I was seriously tired from all the time I've spent at the computer,insufficient sleep,lack of appetite & nutrients..

Sigh..

After having said that..

tonight is the first night in many days that I'm still up at this time..

I dunno why..I'm tired but I just keep doing all this little,unnecessary things just to stall time..

it's almost 3am..

I think I shall go to bed now..

Hmm didn't hear from Twinny at all today..I do remember msging her though..

Arrghh!!

Don't you dare MIA on me now Twinny!!!

I will send the Gurkhas to comb your ulu Westside!!!

Au Revoir darlings...will I ever be happy again..I don't wanna wait anymore..there isn't enough time..I miss the old days..when we knew everything would be alright..why don't you understand?

I miss you

2008-05-03T06:14:00.005+08:00

I went to bed at 8.30pm last night after my very depressing blog entry

I know I had smses & incoming calls but I was waaay too tired to fumble for the hp in the dark

Woke up bright and alert at 2am.

Since then been aimlessly wandering about the house,doing menial chores..

Watched Fright Night on HBO..

damn..those cheesy vampire movies of the 80s

hahhahaa..

Scrubbing my face and moisturizing THEN absent mindedly washing it AGAIN

argh!

Felt like the big guy up there in heaven was actually laughing at me when I did that.

Just like the time my friend bought me a can of Pepsi..

Thinking of God-knows-what..I absent mindedly pulled off the metal tab,walked to the rubbish bin,and coolly threw the whole can of Pepsi away..and stood there with just the metal tab on my finger...and went like..," Ermmmmmmm.."

I will never forget the expression on my pal's face.

Hahaa so yeah..

I wish I could just keep up this goofy outlook for the rest of today

I seriously toyed with the idea of visiting a shrink..

That's how preoccupied my mind has been lately.

Not to mention..the sudden repulsion towards food,the changes in sleeping pattern,and honestly just a general lack of interest in anything.

I feel like I have lost my spark,my fighting spirit.

I feel so utterly defeated

At this point of time I really would wanna mention in this post about someone special who has been hearing me out,and being frank in her opinions,no matter how hurtful they may sound..

my dear Twinny..I hate to be whining to you all the time..but seriously you're the only one who sorta knows what I'm going thru right now..I can't talk to anyone else but you..honestly I am lucky that I am still standing strong now,coz if not for you,I would have withered from the magnitude of the sudden isolation thrust upon me.

I have been strong before,but now..I don't want to be strong.If I'm strong..someone's gonna make me fall again and it's just too painful to keep trying again and again..I've been seriously doing that all the while..punishing myself for the mistakes others made..blaming myself.This time..I don't wanna push myself forward..I'm just so so so tired of all the hoping & waiting.

Twinny,all the same,thank you.

It means alot to me,to have someone to talk to.

The reason why I'm avoiding most of my friends,is bcoz no one knows what I'm going thru,and I don't wish to keep repeating my story,it just plain hurts..at the same time it's not easy for me to look at them so happy & cheerful and try to play act along.

With you I don't have to act & I can just be myself.

Though we are many years apart,I have never felt the age gap at all..there are many who only see your faults but fail to realize your strengths & perseverance..I want you to know that you are not only beautiful on the outside,your pure gold on the inside.In you,I find a likeness of myself,and I see the inner child in you as I do in myself.Yet,we are often misunderstood by others.

Thank you for coming into my life..I have lost alot..I pray that I will never lose such a good friend in my life,and I want you to know that no matter what happens,I will always be around for you..I will never say this to others again,but to you,I will.

Au Revoir

2008-05-02T19:10:00.004+08:00

Maybe if our paths had never crossed,

we may not be this miserable today.

Then again..

If I could go back to the past & turn back time,

I know that I would still want to be with you

Even if I had to face all the darkness all over again.

How do I make you see

That you were the only sanity for me,in this mad,materialistic world?

The questions that were asked..

The tears that were shed..

Could you not see that it was all done for love,and nothing less?

There you stand,steadfast in your decision,

that you have done the rightful thing.

How do you have the heart to just crush me,kick me aside & move on?

You have hurt me to the very core with your chilling words.

I cried rivers & rivers for you

I may have asked you for a clue,but you gave me a sentence.

A death sentence.

Did I ever torture you?

Did I not listen to your words?

Have I never ever understood your darkness?

Have I ever pushed you away seeking greener pastures?

Now there's nothing left to be said

You have said all that there is to be said

How much more can I cry?

The game of love..I have never bothered with or understood at all

Now that I'm caught late in the game,I can't get out

Whatever you said,or did doesn't even matter anymore..

All that matters is the fact that you said,the love is gone.

I see you,sitting there smiling

There is nothing I can do now

For I am nothing in your life now

I dare not look into your eyes because I know that I would not look away.

Too many questions left unanswered.

I miss you so much,so much like never before.

I hate you for having the heart to hurt me so badly

Then again I love you more than anything else in the entire world

For all the emotions that I have..

I know you now, have none for me.

That's what's killing me slowly.

You have given up hope,people around me have given up hope

All the hope I'm keeping inside is now turning toxic,

poisoning my soul

Still I hold on.

Coz no matter what you say,

no matter what you WANT to think,

no matter how much you despise me,

You know in your hearts of hearts..

That I would never ever stop loving you

NEVER

2008-04-30T07:19:00.016+08:00

Slept at 8pm yesterday after being out the

whole afternoon..

was absent mindedly doing some shopping before coming back..

I had planned to get some tops,bags,belts but somehow only ended buying tops..

The weight loss is good..but it doesn't do any justice to my current staples of black fitting skirts,and fitting tops coz now I look deflated and shabby in them..

OMG!

ITS THE LAST FREAKING DAY OF BLOODY APRIL!!

FINALLY!!

Met Suren after a long,long time..

back from his world tour haha..

Had a fun time yakking away & as usual he couldn't keep up with my nonsense!

Too bad dude!!

Hahaha

Well, woke up at 4am today..

didnt wake up for dinner so was ravenous this morning..

Came in here to check my mails & update some stuff..

Then watched some TV..

Before I go on..

I'm just gonna throw myself into some personal project that I'm working on &

maybe head down to the library..maybe meet up with Suren for some lunch or tea..

In the meantine..

please please please try to understand if im not available always..

My handphone is really screwed up..

I have been getting alot of harsh words from relatives & friends

about being uncontactable..

Look,if you can't get me on the hp,

maybe you'd wanna try me at home?

Just check if I'm alive or dead maybe?

That day my aunt griped to another aunt

about how she tried to call me several times and

she had to keep hearing the music..

She also said..now that I'm job hunting..

and any prospective employer were to call me,

I'm either unreachable or they have to hear the displeasing(according to her)song

How to get job like that?

I was like..is this a very big issue?

Most people have bye-bye ringtones now..

and it's music not noise..

ARRRGH!

I won't change it just because YOU don't like it!

Ok enough about that..
So guess who's flying into town today eh?

Oh yeahhhh its long anticipated Ironman!!
Or as my dear friend mary calls it.."Irumbu Manithan"
hahahaha!!!
It's opening today..Koko was checking out if we were all free to meet up with her & John for the movie today but I already had a prior appointment & Sanjit also would be busy with work..so had to say no..dunno about Mary though..I know John would be dying to watch the movie haha he could barely wait for the release..Oh well..hope they have fun..hmm except maybe for Koko..who can't stand this superhero flicks..hahaha..yeah she's a real laaaydeeeee..

Ok I dunno about you guys...but this song has been stuck in my head for ages..its a surprisingly good song..from Colby O Donis(who's that rite?) and it features Akon..I love Akon's signature sound..it's just so cool..here..do check it out..I'm sure you'll like it ..

Niceeeeeee???Not bad right..doncha feel like groovin already??

2008-04-29T04:47:00.003+08:00

Yes yes yes

Its been a bloody long time

I have been trying to avoid coming in here

My luck continues to be bad..

What the hell is with April anyways?

Everytime I console myself that things couldn't get any worse,

wham!bam!

shit happens rite?

I know I know..but how much can a person endure in a freaking month..

week in week out??

See,this was why I didn't wanna come in here..

I have nothing but bad news,worse news..and rotten news

The latest has to be the worst ever and mind you..

Though I grumble in here..I can't even begin to explain to you guys

how miserable I feel.

I don't wanna go into details..

Let's just say there is this special person

Someone who came into your life,and made that difference

The person is so close to you,you practically know his habits & mannerisms

Along the way,there are squabbles..fights..cold wars even.

Somehow these negativities do not linger on for long..and before long life is always merry again.

Then comes..this f**king April..

Which seems to have brought out the worst in not only me,but

many around me..

When there is again a little squabble with this special friend..

This time though..the squabble grows out of proportion

Heated words are exchanged..each trying to provoke the other

You know what they say abt heated words uttered in haste and all that?

Yeah I felt bad later and I did try to apologize..

Yes even though I had recieved harsh words too,I felt that it was my fault to have started it in the first place when I should have just kept my itchy mouth shut!

The apology wasn't accepted and that made me annoyed.

The misunderstanding continued...

Through the days I kept waiting for that familiar sense of relief when one has when problems are settled..but all I had in me were very,very bad gut feelings.

I tried..after a while..to swallow my pride and go on and talk as if nothing had happened.

It disturbed me though..that the issue had never been settled..

Sometimes..when my confusion got the worst of me..I'd try to ask him

Each and every time I'd be met with a cold reception.

There were many nights this month that I went to bed tired & upset..

but this problem was like my worst nightmare..

I felt that my closeness with this person was crumbling beneath my shaky hands..

As usual..my mind..already filled with so much from other issues..was not at rest

There were times when I thought I would go crazy from thinking & thinking and not having anyone to confide my fears to..

Then the final straw came when I had an argument at home over some trivial issue..it triggered off all the stress,and anger & confusion that I had already been surpressing under a smile for so long..I broke down and cried and cried.It seemed that I would never be able to stop.

That night I typed out one of the longest messages ever to my friend..

asking him to please,please put a closure to this.

I was upset and made myself totally cold & numb the next day..

The only normal thing I did was to go to church..

Besides that I was out..

When I finally did see the reply to my message..

Honestly..I think my heart literally shattered.

It's like..it shattered and the pieces were made of some nasty sharp stuff which just pierced right thru my entire soul.

As I read the message the waterworks started again.

I was so so so so so upset..

I had in fact,asked for a closure ON THE ISSUE WE FOUGHT ABOUT.

However,my friend..had put a closure on US.

In all anger & sadness..I wrote a reply several times..only to erase it all and start over again..

I had to maintain my pride..how much could I give in ?

I don't even wanna continue talking abt this now..

Yesterday..my friend..who had been so kind and caring to me since day 1..

no matter how much I annoyed him..scolded me as if I was a criminal..

I never got any replies to the questions I asked..

Just the same old phrases again and again..

Anyway this is what I'm going thru right now..

I can't forget this thing..so easily..

I am a person who keeps buddies close to my heart..

and for someone who was more than a buddy to me..

I really respected & cherished him alot.

Yet..now in his eyes I'm seen as some blemish.

It hurts me deeply.

What can I do?

The only thing that's holding me back from seeing him face to face is my pride.

I have had enough of crying but I know that with this person..

out of my life..the dark times have only just begun.

I'm sorry if I have yet to reply to emails,messages,smses,calls.

Glash..i guess after reading this you know what im going thru..im sorry gal..

over the weekend I wasn't myself..i did not even realise so many ppl were calling me..anyways i didn't wanna talk abt my sad stuff and make you bored gal..so well..at least here u have a choice whether u wanna read or not...hahah

Twinny..I been so upset that I did not even blog about the wonderful time we had at your crib last Friday!It was fun meeting with the whole family..too bad the time flew by so fast!!!

Well at least now I know what to get for you guys next time..

PASTRIES,COOKIES,CHOCS!!

too bad im on my stupid diet.

Twinny thanks for being there,though you have so much of stress..you never fail to lend a listening ear..thank you..

Its almost 5am..I'm back to my old bad habits again..I just can't seem to focus my mind is so sapped of energy..all I want is to be like before..I'm so f**king miserable ya'll!!!

2008-04-23T18:06:00.004+08:00

So here I was just randomly surfing the net after 2 awesomely irritating interviews in afternoon..and my dear pal sanjit comes online and sends me this link..asking me to watch the video..I opened it & gasp!!
Ghost sighting in Raffles Place?
Here..watch..

Well whaddya think?
At first I was like..OMG..
then I was like...
huh?
then I was like..bloody hell..fake la!
Hahaha well I dunno but for those of you who wanna
see what others have to comment.. and wanna contribute..
here's the link
http://www.rafflesplaceghost.net/blog/

Talking about paranormal stuff,
it was just last night that I was telling Twinny
I felt like watching some horror stuff & we should check out
YouTube like what we used to do before..
Eventually we forgot about it but now thanks to Sanjit,
I've got my nose buried in YouTube trying to source out
anything to make me shiver in fright..
Talking of which..here's another clip that Sanjit sent me..
I dunno about you guys,but the one near the end of the clip..
about the car accident..
NOW that creeped me out!!
Watch kiddos watch!!!

2008-04-22T21:32:00.005+08:00

Stress Stress Stress

Not work stress but FINDING proper work stress

Stressed at home too with mum still very weak & me tending to her

I wish there was more I could do to help her but..

Oh well..

Hardly had much time to come online save for late nights..

Even then my poor mum would be restless & awake

I'm just relaxing,trying to be more positive & just take it easy

So much to do,so little time

Everytime I wanna get started on something,a major obstacle stands in my way

I just wish this dark period would be over & done with soon!

I hate rotting in the dark here!!

Dear Twinny has also been very sick & mood out lately..

I'm planning to meet her this week..

*stares daggers at Twinny*

Better come out & play with me ok!!!

Arghhhh

Need

CHILL

!!!

Talking about relaxing..

I wonder if you guys came across the recent news report of a

tortoise that smokes?

It's freaking true ok!!

According to the report,this tortoise,from Beijing,China

is even addicted to nictotine!

All thanks to it's wondeful owner,who proudly said that he once teasingly

placed a lit cigarette butt into it's mouth & it surprisingly finished smoking it.

Tsk tsk.

Now both owner & pet share their smokes..

What will they think of next!!!

2008-04-21T19:09:00.002+08:00

2008-04-20T02:25:00.003+08:00

Had a fun or should I say funny evening today..

Headed down to Orchard to meet SanjitJohn,Koko & Mary..

Sanjit had never met John & Koko before so we girls thought it was high time we got togther.

Met up with John & Koko @ Billy Bombers first..Sanjit came soon after and our dear Ms Mary was the last to arrive..and after declaring that she wanted to eat pasta..we moved on ahead to check out the movies @ Cineleisure..too bad..either the earliest shows were already sold out or the next time slots..slightly before midnight were almost sold out..so while watching Sanjit & Mary attack their food with gusto @ the very cramped Pastamania..we decided to head down to Yishun..to catch a movie...haha..We caught Forbidden Kingdom!It was super awesome..in fact I have no complaints about the movie @ all! The combo of Jackie Chan & Jet Li was just fantastic..we were treated to alot of wisecracks from the two incredible actors,as well as some superb martial arts!

The movie ended around 1.20am..and we stood around & discussed the movie & the next upcoming movie..IRON MAN!!!yeaaaaaahhh!!!

I must admit at first I wasn't too much into the Iron Man hype..even after Sanjit had shown me the trailer online...then why the sudden enthusiasm?

Firstly..the Iron Man soundtrack by Black Sabbath!!!Hell yeahhhh its sooo awesome!!

Secondly..Robert Downey Jr in the lead role!!I freaking love the guy..and its such an unexpected choice!!

Needless to say once John,Sanjit & I started discussing the Black Sabbath song..Koko & Mary were looking at each other & said.."Here they go again..."

Hahahaa..sorrrrry gals..this time the guys are right!!

I've also been curious about Street Kings coz Sanjit was telling me about the movie..see how..perhaps I could catch it soon..

*looks @ Jijay*

I know maaaan..i have yet to watch Sin City..arrrghhhh!!!

2008-04-19T06:04:00.005+08:00

Feeling so blue ..

Nothing much to say to anyone

Its simple for people to keep saying cheer up and move on

Then just keep talking about other stuff as if I could forget my problems by listening

Look,I know I may have been out of reach or silent recently..

Its not that I'm trying to be rude or anything..

I just feel miserable alright?

There are lots of things/people

precious to me that I have been losing

One by one.

As each incident happens I tell myself that i will be fine..

How was I to know that it would all fall apart at the same time?

I feel like all my happiness has come crushing down..

Put yourselves in my shoes for a moment & try to understand ok?

It doesn't make me grow stronger..no not yet..maybe one day it will..for now

I'm still in the very raw process of cleaning my wounds.

Till then if anyone here feels that I'm being too emo,or cold,or boring..

Please..just take a step back & continue with your own lives..

I don't want the advice or the tsk tsking..

Or the fake sympathy

I rather much be left alone

I won't be hurt..

I will just bear this in mind

Remember..

what goes around comes around

Adious

2008-04-16T21:51:00.003+08:00

Haizzz let me seee..

the week has been absolutely horrible so far..

and thats kinda bad since its only Wednesday

Mum has been kinda ill..

yeah for those of you who followed my previous blog..

the same bouts of retching & vomitting

To make things worse she's super stubborn

Was at my mum's side massaging her back &

trying to cajole her to see a doctor

Sigh..to no avail

Now I know where I got my stubborn streak from!

Haiiizzz..update laterz